Salespeople are taught that in order to make a sale, you must first develop a trusting relationship with the customer. Such is true in all areas of life: Relationships are key. As the saying goes, "People BEFORE Process". Relationships must always come first and be the highest priority, both personally and professionally. You can't influence someone if they don't like or trust you.

In John Maxwell's book, "Be a People Person: Effective Leadership Through Effective Relationships," Maxwell discusses the importance of identifying what we find attractive in others' personalities and then implementing some of those aspects into our own interactions with others. It is equally important to identify unattractive traits and avoid implementing those. For example, no one really likes "Negative Nancy," so we wouldn't want to behave as she does. Most people do, however, like being greeted with a warm handshake and a smile so implementing those traits into our own interactions would be beneficial to our relationships with others. His advice is especially true in a customer service, business, or work setting, but it's definitely applicable in our personal relationships as well.

Maxwell lists a few questions to get us thinking about our own relationships with others and how we can improve them:
1. Are we quick to respond to others' needs?
2. Do we run from problems or face them?
3. Do we talk more about bad news or good news?
4. Do we give people the benefit of the doubt, or do we assume the worst?

Good questions.

Some people are super difficult to deal with, aren't they? Certain people are miserable, often negative, disagreeable, or argumentative. Some are bossy. Others are know-it-alls. What I'm learning is if I don't like those traits in others, chances are others will not like them in me. Conversely, I love people who are friendly, who use direct eye contact, and who remember my name. Those people make me feel like I'm important to them. Those are traits I'd like to model in my own behavior. Maxwell's list of questions is a great start and gave me a lot to reflect on.

He goes on to describe the Golden Rule and how vital it is to relationships. He says,"What's the key to relating to others? It's putting yourself in someone else's place instead of putting them in their place." It's treating others the way you'd like to be treated. Sometimes it means being friendly even when the other person is cranky. Sometimes it means smiling warmly and striking up a conversation with the person in the room who seems tentative or uncomfortable.

Sometimes it means genuinely listening to someone's story when you'd rather do something else. Sometimes it means stifling the urge to share the horrible thing your boss did at work earlier that day. Sometimes it means forgiving someone for something even if they won't admit wrongdoing. The Golden Rule can be difficult, but it is absolutely essential to developing great relationships and becoming a person that others want to be around.

It is difficult--if not impossible--to accomplish anything of significance if no wants to be around you. It would be impossible for others to see the love of the Lord through you if they are sprinting in the opposite direction.

The good news is that the Lord has granted each of us attractive traits that we can utilize in order to build better relationships. He has also granted us the ability to change and refine those traits that are still a little rough around the edges. I find prayer to be especially useful when one of those traits is detected, as well as reading good books on the subject (and then implementing the advice!).

And don't forget the all-important Golden Rule. It's found in Matthew 7:12:
"Therefore whatever you want others to do for you, do so for them."
People matter. Do your best to love them.

When we think about communication, talking is what generally comes to mind. Talking, however, is only one component of effective communication. Active listening is another, and it's just as important as talking. In a marriage, it's absolutely vital. This type of listening is not passive; rather, it takes purposeful effort.

Unfortunately, most of us have quite poor listening skills. We tend to monopolize conversations rather than putting the other person first. We usually listen to hear what we want to hear, or we listen in order to formulate a response. These behaviors are deadly sins in the context of good marriage communication. Listening makes the other person feel important and respected, while lack of listening makes the other person feel unimportant, trampled, and ignored.

If your goal is to improve your listening skills and really hear what your spouse has to say, here are four ways to do that:

1. Zone in on your spouse. First, remove distractions. Shut off the TV and phone, have the kids go in another room, and put away work. Next, make good eye contact by looking directly at your spouse. Don't look at the floor, squirm in your seat, or look elsewhere. Finally, don't interrupt. Allow your spouse all the time necessary to tell an entire story. Don't finish your spouse's sentences or correct him/her. Be patient until it is your turn to speak, and don't daydream about what you plan to say next. Simply listen.

2. Use appropriate body language. To begin, uncross your arms. Crossed arms automatically make it seem like you are annoyed or defensive. Rather, sit forward to show interest and keep your hands in your lap. Your goal is to make your spouse feel comfortable. To that end, it's also a good idea to mentally check your face. If you are scowling or frowning, relax your face so your spouse will feel at ease. Next, stop talking. It is impossible to listen while simultaneously speaking. We have two ears and one mouth, and they should be utilized in that proportion. Finally, occasionally nod in understanding. This nonverbal cue lets your spouse know that you understand what he/she is saying and that you are interested in hearing more.

3. Interact and respond. First, make sure your spouse is truly finished speaking before responding. The worst thing you can do is jump in the moment your spouse pauses to take a breath. A good rule of thumb is to wait several seconds to be sure he/she is done. Next, ask a few questions that come to mind about what your spouse was saying. Ask for clarification on anything you weren't sure about. Don't assume anything-- ask instead. Finally, show your spouse you were listening by rephrasing and summarizing some of what was said. One way to do that is to say, "It sounds like you are saying... xyz." Your spouse will either nod in agreement at that point or will clarify the parts you did not understand.

4. Handle it well. Sometimes the hardest part of communication is handling what we hear. We may not agree with something, we may feel offended, or we may get angry. It is important in marriage communication not to attack your spouse. Instead, try to see things from your spouse's point of view. Just because you disagree does not mean that you cannot try to understand things from your spouse's perspective. Rather than attacking or reacting emotionally, say something like, "I'll have to take some time to consider that." That shows your spouse that you have been listening and that you care enough to think more about what they have said. Even if you never agree on a particular issue, that does not mean that you have to fight or argue about it. Rarely do two people agree on everything, even when they love each other. This can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how you choose to handle it. Handling it well will ensure that your spouse feels safe enough to share with you in the future. If you attack every time you disagree, your spouse may eventually stop sharing.

These four steps to better listening skills are a good start toward making your spouse feel loved and heard. Listening shows you care. Practice what you've learned here, and you'll be well on your way toward better communication. 

You and your spouse have decided to set aside time each day just to chat with each other. You like the idea of a daily coffee break after the kids go to bed. That's great! But, how do you begin?

Let's set the stage for a great conversation:

1. Choose the location. This sounds like a no-brainer, but if your life is as busy as mine, it's a good idea to pick a place. While meeting at home is ideal for regular conversations (my husband and I have a favorite couch in our livingroom where we usually chat), sometimes schedules necessitate meeting elsewhere. Coffee shops are a great place to meet, as are parks and beaches. Communication can happen virtually anywhere, but it's important to choose a location and set a time. If you don't schedule it, it may not happen. Skype and FaceTime are good options, too, if one of you is out of town.

2. Eliminate (or at least decrease) distractions. This means you'll need to put the kids to bed or ask them to remain out of the room during your conversation time. Our kids have gotten used to our routine, and it's now second nature to them not to interrupt us during that time. Shut off the TV and any other sound. Put your phones in another room. It's best if they are not within reach because it is just too tempting to pick them up and use them. Keep distractions in mind when choosing your location. Do not choose the loudest sports bar in town or the place where everybody knows your name; otherwise the distractions will be difficult to overcome. Guard your time with your spouse.

3. Adjust your attitude. If work that day got the better of you, or if your kids drove you absolutely insane, be sure to switch gears for your spouse. This is not to say that you can't discuss the bad parts of your day (of course you can, and you should), but check any bad attitudes at the door. Don't take your bad attitude out on your spouse. Rather, share your heart with your spouse and invite your spouse to do the same.

4. Focus on each other. This goes without saying, but it's amazing how many couples spend most of their time discussing honey-do lists, carpooling arrangements, and the family calendar. While these topics need to be addressed at some point, they are not great content for real conversations. Try to focus on each other instead of who needs to drop off the overdue library book. Save the honey-do lists for another time, and cherish these moments with your spouse.

5. Brew some coffee! Or tea. Or drink whatever you prefer. Put your feet up and relax. A conversation with your spouse should energize you and make you feel connected to one another. Sipping a great cup of coffee while laughing, chatting, and reminiscing will help you achieve that goal. It will become a cherished ritual that the two of you share and look forward to each day.

Following these steps will help you get started with your own regularly scheduled conversations. Done consistently, purposeful conversations with your spouse will connect the two of you on a deeper level and improve your marriage over time.