If you have a family-- at all-- you have experienced family dysfunction during the holidays at some point. We laugh about it when we watch movies like National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, but it isn't so funny when it happens in real life. Uncles, cousins, great-aunts, and in-laws can be sources of real tension during the holiday season.

Family dysfunction is inevitable. We don't get to choose our family members. Rather, we're thrown together in close quarters with folks who may be very different from us. Their values vary. Their politics vary. Their skills, interests, and opinions vary. All those variations can cause a whole lot of friction. The holidays can be a true test of our tolerance.

So, when the dysfunction rears its ugly head, how can you manage it? 

1. Look forward. Try to remember that this, too, shall pass. The holidays aren't a never-ending event (even if it feels that way!), so look to the future. Keep the end in view. There is a light at the end of the dysfunction tunnel. It's a lot easier to be kind and let things roll off your back when you remind yourself that in a few hours, or in a few days, you'll be back to your normal life. Don't dwell on the current situation; it will end soon.

2. Agree to disagree. Don't allow yourself to get sucked in to the muck. Arguing over politics, religion, or some other topic serves no good purpose. Stay out of those emotionally charged conversations. You don't have to prove that you're right, and you don't have to try to change other people's minds. It's okay to disagree (kindly). Simply move on. Walk away if you have to. 

3. Give grace. Your family members aren't perfect, and neither are you. They will screw up during family gatherings, and they will say stupid things. So will you. Instead of beating them over the head each time, dish out grace instead. Forgive, and move on. Be kind and respectful. Hopefully your family members will be as gracious toward you, but give them grace without expectation. Dysfunction can be diffused with a healthy dose of grace.

The holidays don't have to be the catalyst for family feuds. We can experience peace and fun during the holidays with family members if we purposefully manage the inevitable dysfunction. Strategize ahead of time, using the guidelines outlined in this article, and you'll be well on your way!

We all know them. They're those rare unusually happy people who seem to actually love the holidays. Nothing seems to bother them. They're whistling when the rest of us are grumbling. They're smiling when we're frowning. They bake cookies while the rest of us are just trying to survive. Family dysfunction, tight budgets, and awkward holiday parties just don't seem to ever affect them.

What's their secret?

Those folks who seem to actually love and enjoy the holidays have 3 habits in common. Knowing what those habits are can help the rest of us to enjoy the holidays more, too. We may never be as ridiculously happy as they are, but we can certainly take steps in the right direction. Here's what sets them apart:

1. They focus on the reason for the season. This doesn't mean they don't have problems and that everything is perfect. It isn't. But happy holiday people tend to remember there is a reason for the holiday season, and they focus on that. They don't allow themselves to get caught up in the muck of the season. Instead, they keep the true meaning of the holidays in the forefront of their minds and they remember their blessings. 

2. They plan. They plan their holiday budget well in advance. They decide what family members they will visit and put those visits on their calendars. They make lists of gifts to buy, and they do it early in the season. Planning out the holiday season takes some work but allows them to decide what is truly important so they can say no to everything else. They plan so they won't get over-scheduled and won't overspend. They know they can't do everything, so they plan what they can.

3. They develop and utilize effective communication skills. We all know that politics and religion are topics that can create tension at holiday functions. Beyond that, happy holiday people know how to resolve conflict, edify others, and speak kindly. They don't "stir the pot," ask uncomfortable questions, or criticize others. They've worked hard on their social and communication skills, and they use them during the holidays. They keep things positive and don't lose their emotional intelligence.

We can all become happier holiday people. We just need to keep the right things in perspective, plan well, and communicate effectively. If we begin now, we can ensure the happy holiday season that we envision.

A new school year brings excitement. There are new classes, new teachers, and new clothes. At the same time, a new school year can bring anxiety over unknowns like new challenges and new people. As parents, we want to see our children transition into these new situations as painlessly as possible. The following tips will help.

Encourage your child to step out of the comfort zone

Great things never happen inside our comfort zones. Kids will need a little nudge to embrace that. Making new friends may feel scary to your child. Take the time to point out all the benefits of making new friends like learning new things and having more playmates on the playground.

Discuss how it's kind to make friends with a new student, and provide your child with ideas for making that happen like inviting a new student to sit at your child's table in the lunchroom. Playing together on the playground, sharing toys, or reading together are other easy options for forging new friendships.

Practice meeting someone new

Work with your child to learn the social skills necessary to meet someone new. Practice using direct eye contact, speaking audibly and clearly, and asking questions to create a conversation. The best way to do that is for you to model the behavior and then allow your child the opportunity to practice these new skills.

Practice at home until your child is comfortable, and then encourage him to practice these skills in real-life situations outside the home. Playgrounds, parks, or church gatherings provide opportunities to practice meeting new people and having conversations. Be encouraging, help your child adjust skills as necessary, and praise your child's efforts.

Teach your child how to resolve conflict

Conflict is inevitable, even in strong friendships. Your child needs to know how to resolve it quickly. Teach your child to seek to understand when conflict arises. Many conflicts occur simply because we make assumptions when we should instead ask questions to understand the situation before responding.

Teach your child to take responsibility for his part in a conflict and to show grace to the other person. Most conflicts can be resolved fairly easily if resolution is the goal, but these skills must be taught and practiced. 

Be your child's role model

The best way to help your child make new friends at school is to model friend-making skills yourself. Go out of your way to talk to new people and make new friends. Let your child see you shake hands and start a conversation with someone new. Invite friends over to your home for dinner or meet up for a playdate with your children. When your child sees you do these things, making new friends will seem like a natural thing to do.

All it takes is a death in the family (or a bad medical diagnosis, or some other crisis) to remind us that some things matter, and some things don't. 

What doesn't matter is differing opinions. Preferences. Unachieved expectations. Unrealistic standards. What doesn't matter is all the little things we fuss over on any given day.

It doesn't matter what kind of car we drive. It doesn't matter whether we have the brand-name labels for our kids to wear to school. It doesn't matter which way the toilet paper goes on the roll, or whether a spouse leaves clothes on the floor. It doesn't matter if your to-do list is finished. It doesn't matter if everyone agrees about what kind of TV show is acceptable or what movie you let your kids watch. It doesn't matter if you have one pair of shoes, no shoes, or a million designer shoes.

It doesn't matter if your sister had a bad day and said something rude. It doesn't matter if your parents drive you crazy. It doesn't matter if your brother handles a situation differently than you would. It doesn't matter if your friend visits as often as you think he should. It doesn't matter if your coworker has annoying habits at the office or doesn't call you back as quickly as you'd like.

It doesn't matter whether you think leggings aren't pants. Or are.

It doesn't matter if you like this year's candidates. Or not.

It doesn't matter if you love the music at church. Or can't stand it.

Some things just don't matter.

What matters is our relationships. What matters is whether those we love know how much we love them. Are we on good terms? Have we resolved conflict? Have we said the things that need to be said? Have we opened our hearts and met the needs of others?

Do we appreciate each other? 

Did we make a real effort?

Do we accept responsibility?

Have we forgiven each other?

It's amazing how much we celebrate someone after they die. Obituaries are full of praise! We focus on someone's good points and minimize their flaws. We remember their positive contributions. Imagine if we did those things with the people we love while they're still alive? Forgive, focus on the good, speak positively.

Life is short, and some things matter... like your marriage, your relationships with your children and family, and your friendships.

Make your relationships right.

Communicate.

Connect.

Appreciate each other, forgive each other, and dish out grace in huge portions while you can.

If you have a less-than-stellar relationship with someone, make it right TODAY. Tomorrow is not promised, and at the end of it all, some things matter and some things don't. Move past the things that don't.

Say what needs to be said.

Right the wrongs.

We only get one chance at this life. Focus on what matters.

The holiday season is upon us. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or something else, this time of year can be overwhelming and filled with stress. The shopping mall is something like a nightmare, there are family dynamics to deal with, and our children get overtired and fussy. Holidays should be a time when we strengthen our relationships, but often it is the opposite.

How can we maintain some sanity in the midst of all the chaos?

1. Take a deep breath. Literally. Preferably while soaking in a hot bubble bath. We all need a few minutes to ourselves. A hot bath is relaxing, and we can enjoy the silence or even a few softly played Christmas songs on Pandora. Whether it's a hot bath, reading a good book, or some other activity you enjoy, be sure to take a little time each day to unwind. Now exhale.

2. Avoid the stores during peak times. The craziest time to shop each day is during the rush-hours right after work. Generally this means avoiding the stores between 4pm and 6pm. A great time to pick up your necessities is late at night after your kids go to bed. The stores will be less busy, and you won't be dragging toddlers through a crowd. Your spouse can stay home with the kids (they'll be sleeping anyway).

3. Make a gameplan for your family's holiday schedule well in advance. Having this in place will allow you to focus on the events that are the most important to your family. You can say no to the rest. That way you won't get overbooked and exhausted trying to keep up with it all. You don't have to agree to go caroling with friends on five different nights. Choose things that will work for you (and that you actually want to do!), write them on the calendar, and stick to the plan!

4. Give away your possessions. I don't mean give away everything you own. Rather, empty out some closets. Have the kids purge their toybox. Drop off a few boxes of stuff at Goodwill. Make room in your house for the new things you will inevitably get during this holiday season. It's a win-win because you will make space for new things, and someone else will get to enjoy and appreciate the things you no longer need.

5. Keep the main thing the main thing. There is a reason for the season. Stay focused on that. In the end, it's not about the parties, gifts, and never-ending delicious goodies. Focus on doing good things for others. Drop off a gift basket to a family in need. Send an anonymous gift card to someone. Shovel your neighbor's sidewalk, or do some volunteer work. It is extremely difficult to focus on our own selfish issues at the same time we are focused on helping someone else. Focusing outward helps us not to be focused inward. Don't forget what this season is really about.

If you are successful at those five steps, you will have a better chance of staying sane this holiday season. Nothing will ever be perfect, but you can enjoy this time rather than dread it.