Conflict happens. That is a guarantee. Resolving it is a skill we all need to hone. Unfortunately, most people don't have this skill and don't make an effort to acquire it. Resolving conflict isn't always pleasant, so many times even adults shy away from it.

If adults don't resolve conflict well, how can we expect our kids to do so?

First of all, we need to stop doing it for them. Rather, we need to show them how to face it head-on.

One of our children recently reached champion tattletale status. Seriously. It got to the point that we knew we needed to purposefully teach conflict resolution skills. Tattling is a huge pet peeve of mine, and I refuse to solve my children's problems for them, so we set out to instill better conflict resolution skills in our child.

To begin, we banished tattling (with the obvious exception of telling us about dangerous situations). We taught that when you have an issue with someone, you deal directly with that person only. Bringing an outsider into the situation should only be done as a last resort (and even then the outsider should be an unbiased facilitator, who helps the parties resolve the issue without taking sides). Tattling just shirks responsibility for finding a resolution to the parents, and I don't want to be my kids' judge and jury. I want to equip them to resolve issues themselves.

Here are the steps we worked through:

1. Don't react emotionally. No one ever responds to conflict well when they are emotionally charged. It's imperative to control anger and other emotions in order to resolve conflict. Don't react or respond unless you are calm. 

2. Seek to understand. Many conflicts are created because we jump to conclusions. Ask the other person directly to explain their side of the situation. Many conflicts can be avoided or resolved simply by asking for clarity. Speak nicely, and don't make accusations.

3. Listen actively. Active listening means that we need to keep our mouths shut and ears open. Don't interrupt when the other person is talking. Don't sit there the whole time the other person is talking trying to formulate your response. Don't try to be right; just try to understand the other person's point of view.

4. Take responsibility. Even if you're right, take responsibility for your role in the conflict. Apologize that you hurt the other person's feelings. Saying "I'm sorry" goes a long way toward resolving conflict, even if the other person does not return the favor. Offer to make the situation right wherever you can.

5. Show grace. Give the benefit of the doubt whenever possible. Try to understand that everyone has bad days sometimes, and maybe something like that is at the root of the conflict. Mend fences whenever possible. Be kind. Be humble. Move on without holding a grudge.

After we walked through those steps, we did a little role playing. We talked through a few scenarios and possible ways to resolve them. We asked our child to describe what would be the best thing to do in each situation. We did our best to get this child thinking about good ways to resolve conflict. This is a journey and will take some practice.

We also needed to do a self-check on how we, as adults, are resolving conflict. We want to make sure we are modeling proper ways to resolve conflict in our own relationships. We want our kids to see how we do it, and not just hear the words we speak. Conflict resolution is a necessary life skill, and we hope we give our kids sufficient resources for the future. As a family, we can work on it together. 

We loaded our five children into our minivan for a family trip. After everyone was buckled, we backed out of our driveway and noticed that our gas tank indicator showed "140 miles to empty."

Our destination was 141 miles away.

I suggested to my husband, Ryan, that we stop to fill up at the closest gas station on our way, which is 12 miles from our house. Ryan disagreed and thought we should wait to fill up until closer to our final destination.

I prefer to have a full gas tank before starting a trip. I don't like to watch the miles tick down and wonder if we'll be able to find a gas station when our tank is close to empty. Ryan would rather wait until later to fill up because we might find a lower gas price at a gas station closer to our destination.

Who is right?

I'd like to say that we calmly came to a quick solution to our disagreement. Unfortunately, that was not the case.

Instead, we spent the entire 12 miles to the closest station arguing about it, all with the kids witnessing our every word.

That 12 miles felt like it took days. 

Eventually, Ryan relented. He pulled into the gas station and got out to pump the gas. I think he even slammed his door as he got out (but that might just be my interpretation). He was only outside for a couple seconds, and then he got back in the car and started it. He muttered under his breath, "I forgot my wallet, and we have to go back home to get it."

Silence ensued until our oldest son, Maguire, piped up and stated, "Wow, Dad, it's a good thing we didn't drive all the way and then get gas like you wanted to."

I'd like to say that I did not revel in the feeling of "being right" for a little while, but that would be a lie. 

Thankfully Ryan laughed, apologized for being stubborn, and agreed with Maguire that he was happier to find out this close to home that he didn't have his wallet with him. I apologized, too. We talked, and everyone laughed the whole way back to our house to retrieve the wallet. 

It turned out comical, but we could have done better.

Husbands and wives are generally very different people. Physical differences aside, husbands and wives often have very different personalities. They look at the world from different perspectives. They solve problems in different ways. These differences can make for amazing teamwork, but they can also lead to serious disagreements.

Ryan is very detail-oriented and likes to map out a plan before doing anything. In hindsight, he says that getting gas at our nearby station was not in his original plan, so he became inflexible. He struggles when his plans are disrupted. On that day, my idea to get gas closer to home was the disruption of his plan.

I like to have gas in the tank before a trip so I don't have to think about any of the details during the trip. I hate details and plans, so I get them out of the way before I can have fun. In hindsight, I realize his plan was equally valid (minus the wallet situation), and might have even saved us money.

Neither of us was right, and neither of us was wrong. We just had a difference of opinion. We disagreed. We argued about it because we are both stubborn and wanted to get our own way. Instead of arguing, we both should have shown some humility and grace. Then we could have discussed our options and made a decision we could both live with. We both need to be more flexible. We both need to compromise more. We are real people who often get this right, but at times we obviously don't.

Disagreements will always occur. Diffusing them takes love, understanding of different personalities, and a willingness to compromise. Love demands that we fight our individual need to be right, and work together as a team instead. We need to build each other up in order to truly fill the tank.