We are surrounded by televisions, phones, tablets, laptops, and gaming devices. We can’t even go to the grocery store without someone on a television at the end of each aisle screaming at us about the latest product we should buy. 
 
Even our work necessitates ever-increasing time behind screens. I’m a Communication Consultant and Speaker, and I coach my clients via Skype and FaceTime. I spend time texting, working on a computer, talking on technology affecting communication skills phone, checking emails, and engaging on social media. I love the mobility that screens provide in my career. I can literally work from anywhere because of screens.

But how do screens affect our face-to-face communication skills?

More importantly, how technology affecting communication skills of our children, whose social and communication skills are not yet fully developed?

In some ways, devices with screens benefit our kids. Kids are more engaged than ever in politics, world news, educational activities, and daily online discussions with friends and family. But there are limits to screen-based communication.

Electronic screen-based communication cannot teach face-to-face social skills. Those skills can only be learned in-person, and those skills are vital to our children’s future success in the adult world. There is no electronic substitute for real-life face-to-face interactions.

Social skills like table manners cannot be learned behind a screen.

Table manners are largely overlooked today as we often eat on the run, in our cars, or in front of the television. Unfortunately, kids who do not learn table manners are at a disadvantage as adults.

Business lunches, professional dinners, and romantic dates require a proficient display of table manners. As parents, it’s our job to make sure our kids have practiced these skills and have a thorough understanding of them.

We need to teach them to shut off the TV during meals, keep their elbows off the table, chew with their mouths closed, not to talk with food in their mouths, how to keep the conversation rolling, proper ways to pass food around the table, and to say “please” and “thank-you” when food is passed. It sounds simple, but many children have not been taught these important lessons.

Further, kids are missing out on opportunities to learn basic interaction skills, like meeting someone new, when they spend too much time behind screens. Kids need to know how to properly introduce themselves to someone new, use direct eye contact, shake hands, speak clearly and audibly, and make small talk.

These skills are necessary in adult life, and we must be purposeful to teach these skills, model them, and provide situations for our kids to practice them.

Ironically, another social skill lacking today is talking on the phone properly.

Modern kids are so accustomed to texting that they are missing out on verbal phone skills. As parents, we must teach our children how to talk on the phone. We must teach them to answer a call properly, take a detailed message, be polite, and how to end the call.

They must also be taught how to make a call. Begin a call by saying, “Hello. My name is ________. May I please speak to _________?” Start a phone conversation by stating their own name and asking politely to speak to the other person. Too many kids and teens these days have absolutely no idea how to politely make a phone call.

Major issues like physical safety, finances, and education are in the forefront of parents’ minds today, while social skills have taken a backseat. Technology have exacerbated the situation by limiting natural social interactions. While screens are useful tools for careers and learning, they tend to stunt real social growth. Social skills and interpersonal communication suffers as a result.

Parents, take the lead.

Limit your children’s screen time to a reasonable amount, monitor their social media interactions, and create opportunities for them to learn face-to-face social skills. Set a good example in your own screen usage, and model how to communicate effectively with others. Take the time to teach your children table manners, phone skills, and conversation skills. Encourage them out of their comfort zones. You can do it, and their future depends on it.

All parents want their children to display adequate social skills so they can function and succeed in life. Unfortunately, many children do not possess such skills. Parents are busy and don't always realize there is a deficiency until they're thrust into an embarrassing social situation.

These skills can be taught and mastered. If you've observed some less-than-fabulous behavior from your children, do not despair. You can start today to course-correct and point your kids in the right direction where social skills are concerned. Help your children master social skills in the following three areas.

Basic Manners

Kids need to have a thorough understanding of manners like holding the door for others, proper etiquette, saying "please" and "thank you," meal-time manners, and social media etiquette. These manners are developed through practice during face-to-face interactions with others.

Parents who model these skills find it easier to teach these skills. Kids learn by watching what you do, so practice good manners yourself. Your kids will pick up on what you're doing. Take it a step further by talking with your kids specifically about manners. Praise them when they do well, and encourage them to improve when they don't. It's important to keep the conversation about manners going. Learning these skills is a journey that takes time and corrective input from parents.

Conversation Skills

Everyone should be able to meet someone new and keep the ball rolling during a conversation. Teach your kids to make direct eye contact, shake hands, speak audibly and clearly, and ask questions of the other person to keep the conversation going. Whether your kids are shy or outgoing, everyone needs these skills. Everyone can learn and implement them.

The easiest way to teach these skills is to put kids in situations where they can develop these skills. When you attend a barbecue, a church gathering, or a reunion, encourage and challenge your kids to introduce themselves and have conversations. Praise them for stepping out of their comfort zones, and afterward discuss ways to improve. 

Phone Skills

It seems counterintuitive in this day and age to think that anyone would lack phone skills. We're on our phones all the time, but mostly through text. For kids, verbal communication occurs less frequently. Phone etiquette like how to answer the phone, take a detailed message, be polite, and how to end the call properly must be taught and learned.

Teach your kids that when they make a call, they should say this:

"Hello. This is ___________. May I please speak to __________?"

Teach your child to always state his/her name before asking for the other person. Teach kids not to mumble while on the phone, and show them your preferred way to take a message. Make sure they know they should write down the caller's phone number along with the message. Even though we use text communication more than verbal communication these days, phone etiquette is still essential and must be taught. They will need these skills when dating and in their careers.

Model and Teach

Your children will learn from your example. Be sure that the example you're setting is the one you want them to learn from. None of this is complicated, but much of it is overlooked in modern times. That doesn't mean it's less important, however. Good manners and basic social skills will never go out of style, so take the time to teach your kids. They need you.

By Ryan Sharpe

I was The Mayor.

Not officially, of course.

But during my college hockey career, The Mayor became my nickname because I was known to take forever getting out of the rink after every game because I took my time shaking hands with fans and signing autographs for little kids.

I did it because I love people. I love interacting with them and learning about them. It makes me feel good to make someone else feel special or important.

So I became known as The Mayor.

Our son, Maguire, recently attended a robotics engineering camp at our college where I was once The Mayor.

On the second day, he texted Carrie to tell us how he had befriended the entire hockey team when he saw them in the cafeteria and how they were now asking to see his robot videos at each meal.

The Mayor.

It's clear that my love of people has been passed on to Maguire. Of all the traits he could get from me, both good and bad, I'm glad he got this trait. It will serve him well. Befriending others, accepting them, and appreciating them is so very important.

Especially in the world we live in today.

Parents, take the time to teach your kids how to build relationships. Teach them to value others and to be a "good-finder." Teach them to put down their phones and have real-life, face-to-face interactions with other people. Teach them how to make friends and how to be a good friend. Teach them to get out of their comfort zone.

And we need to lead by example.

Mayor to Mayor.

Have you ever thought about what goes on behind the scenes with the families you see everyday? Some of them sure look picture-perfect, don't they? My husband, Ryan, and I have learned that isn't always the case. For example, our most recent family portrait looks like any other happy family. It's easy to look at others and compare ourselves. We imagine other people's lives to be perfect, and sometimes it is hard to measure up to the picture we see.

That portrait of our family appears in our church directory. It appears next to pages full of other perfect family photos. All of us are smiling, all of us are wearing nice clothes, and all of us look like everything is going great.

But would anyone guess by looking at our picture that we were tense that day? We had difficulty getting everyone dressed on time. Our boys kept fighting. Ryan and I kept telling them through clenched teeth to be nice and stop arguing. Our baby girls were crabby. The picture was taken during their naptime, and they cried during most of the photo session. Our individual pictures of the kids show Moxie with red-rimmed eyes and a pacifier filling her mouth. The photo was taken during the summer, and we were all sweating. I was worried my face would be too shiny. Marin would not allow us to put her down, and Moxie would not let go of my bracelet. Maverick was rambunctious, and tripped over an umbrella light. Ryan wasn't happy to be wearing a suit. More than one of us cried that day.

To top it off, after we all got situated (I decided to ignore Moxie gripping my bracelet), the photographer told us to say "cheese". At that moment, our son, Maguire screamed out "whiskey!" instead, and the photo was taken. The family seen in that portrait was just trying to get through the photo session unscathed. We lived. And the pictures didn't turn out half bad.

I'm sure each family that had their picture taken that day has a story to tell. We all may smile when prompted, but there is more to each story. It is only by connecting with others and building genuine, deep relationships with others that the perfect picture dissipates and we learn each other's reality. It isn't always easy to let others in. It isn't always convenient. It leaves us vulnerable. It can be messy. But I have to tell you... it can be among life's biggest blessings.

We have gotten to know many couples and their families over the years on a deeper level. Our "masks" come off, the picture-perfect image subsides, and we get real. The friendships we have developed are amazing. We are blessed by friends who accept us, flaws and all. We are blessed by friends who allow us to make mistakes. We are blessed by friends who share their concerns, fears, and joys. We celebrate each other's victories and we pray through each other's defeats. We laugh together, cry together, and share our hearts. They know the real people behind our "perfect" portrait, and we know them.

I hope you have people in your life like that. If not, it is never too late to connect and dig deeper. I would be lost without those friends. I am thankful for them everyday. Thank God they are not perfect, and thank God they understand I'm not perfect, either. I'm so thankful they allow me to be me... because if I kept smiling like that portrait all the time my cheeks would get really, really sore. It takes too much energy to be that perfect all the time; I would rather just be real. We might be perfect for a moment in a photograph, but eventually someone has to scream "whiskey!"

The most important rule in public speaking is to know your audience. You will not be your most effective unless you do.

Several years ago, we were speakers at a business seminar in New Jersey. We were scheduled to fly out of Flint, Michigan, on Friday, with the seminar Saturday evening. Unfortunately, a major blizzard hit. Our flight left Flint without issue, but when we landed in Detroit for our connection to New Jersey, we were informed our flight was canceled. The next available flight wouldn't be until late Saturday morning.

So much for getting into town early.

We stayed overnight in Detroit and drove through the blizzard the next morning back to the airport. After over an hour of de-icing, our flight was the only one that took off before they canceled all other flights. We arrived in New Jersey only a couple hours before we were scheduled to speak.

Our luggage did not arrive with us. In fact, we did not see our luggage until two weeks later when it was delivered to our home in Michigan. Incidentally, the second most important rule in public speaking is to always put the clothes you plan to wear during your talk into your carry-on.

We knew we had some serious juggling to do. We like to arrive early. We like to meet with people we'll be speaking to. We like to learn about the town, the heritage, and the company we're working with. We had done a lot of leg work from home prior to this day, but there is nothing like chatting with the actual people involved. We like to know what makes them tick and what is on their hearts. So when our hosts picked us up from the airport, we used the 25 minute commute to fill in the gaps.

The couple who picked us up became fast friends. We asked them countless questions. They filled us in on everything, including the local culture. We were speaking very close to New York City and were informed that there were many different cultures represented at this particular meeting. For example, there were many religious leaders present whose traditions and cultures differ from mine. This was important to know because I am a very "huggy" or "touchy-feely" person by nature, which would not have gone over well at all with this crowd who did not believe in touching anyone of the opposite gender who is not your spouse. Our hosts saved me from a major faux pas, and having this knowledge helped me to respect their different beliefs.

They also clued us in on the particular challenges their team members were facing. They shared their group's strengths and weaknesses. They told us about a few of the group's leaders, who we made sure to name during our talks. Knowing this background information made our talks so much more effective because we were able to give this group exactly what it needed at that time. We tailored our own skills and experiences specifically for them.

Knowing your audience is crucial. Chatting with folks ahead of time and asking lots of questions is absolutely essential to your success as a speaker. If you speak to their needs, your talk will help them move forward. Bringing about positive change is the ultimate goal. It won't happen if you don't know what the group needs to change.

There is another benefit to knowing your audience: you will make life-long tremendous friendships along the way. Some of the couples who have hosted us at speaking events have become some of our closest friends. That New Jersey couple who hosted us regularly keeps in touch. They will be cherished friends for life.

Take the time to know your audience. The old saying is true: "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." Care enough to know them. Know them well enough to speak directly to them and their needs. It matters.

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Communication roadblocks can appear in many, many forms, and they seem to reappear in different forms throughout our lives. They can involve fear, lies, gossip, discouragement, exaggeration, nastiness, fighting, and even the total opposite-- the silent treatment. All of these communication issues become roadblocks to us moving forward in our most important relationships. Some are more obvious than others, but all of them need to be dealt with. We can build others up with our words or tear them down. Communication roadblocks need to be resolved quickly.

Once I saw on Pinterest a sign that said, “Before You Speak, THINK.”
Each letter of “think” stands for something. THINK stands for:

Is it True?

Is it Helpful?

Is it Inspiring?

Is it Necessary?

Is it Kind?

Basically, if what we want to say doesn’t meet that criteria, it probably doesn’t need to be said. If we hold our speech to those standards, we would get into far less trouble and experience fewer roadblocks. We would build each other up rather than tear each other down.

Think about it... If something you’re about to say is not true, or you aren’t sure whether it’s true or not, don’t say it. This one is first because this one can sure cause the most harm. There is nothing worse than spreading false information.

If what you’re about to say isn’t helpful, don’t say it. Words that aren’t helpful can be harmful. It could be gossip. It could be a complaint. Complaining is never helpful; offering a solution to a problem while offering to help, however, is helpful.

If what you’re about to say isn’t inspiring, don’t say it. This one goes to whether what you’re about to say will build someone up or tear them down. It’s a big deal because once words are spoken, they cannot be taken back. Most negative things we say don’t need to be said. And even when we have an issue we need to confront someone with, we can say it with love and build them up rather than be nasty.

If what you’re about to say isn’t necessary, don’t say it. Do you really NEED to say it? Are you really the one who needs to say it? Does the other person really need to hear it? If it isn’t necessary, don’t say it. Just because I don’t like your jeans, doesn’t mean it’s necessary for me to tell you. It’s not my job to point out everyone’s misdeed. So if it isn’t necessary, don’t say it.

Lastly, if what you’re about to say isn’t kind, don’t say it. Nasty critiques are not kind. Our speech, even when we’re presenting an issue to someone, can be kind, especially if we pray through it or think it through BEFORE we say it. There are so many things in the heat of the moment that I want to say, but when I pause to consider them I realize they aren’t kind. Making myself feel better by saying them anyway will only make me feel good in the moment. I’ll regret it later, and I might ruin a relationship at the same time.

If you have a communication roadblock, the easiest way to fix it is to utilize emotional control. When our emotions go crazy, we say things we should not. The best thing is to pause before we speak, especially when we’re angry, embarrassed, or caught off-guard. A good statement is, “I’m going to have to consider that and talk to you about it later.” Admit you are upset and need a little time to cool off first. What we say in the heat of the moment usually doesn’t turn out well. We end up looking nasty and immature. Other people become afraid of our reactions. That is especially true in marriage, and with our kids. We could all learn to tame our tongues a little more and use our words for good rather than evil. Print this out and stick it somewhere that it will be helpful for you, like on your bathroom mirror, fridge, or on your desk at the office:

Have you ever thought church-going people should be perfect? Or at the very least, they should be more perfect than those who don't attend church? Have you ever felt like the church is full of people who gossip, lie, or cheat? Guess what? You are correct! Christians are not perfect (far from it!), and we are all learning while we are on this earthly journey. Hopefully we can offer each other grace as we all learn to turn from those sins.

A friend of mine was hurt this week by someone at his church. Without getting into details, the hurt was caused in part by gossip. Gossip can be an interesting topic because while we recognize it in its most obvious form, it exists in endless forms that we don't always categorize as gossip. It can be just as destructive though, and the end result is strife. Strife within the church is as deadly as poison.

For example, if I were to come to you and say that "I heard Sally is cheating on her husband", you would have no problem recognizing that as gossip. It may be true, or it may be false, but by me spreading it I am definitely gossiping. We hopefully do our best not to take part in this type of obvious gossip (we all know the Bible tells us not to), but what about the more subtle types?

What if I came to you and said "I'm concerned about Marion's marriage; please pray for her." Is that gossip? Or how about "I'm unhappy with the preacher's last sermon." Is that gossip? Or "I saw Harry at the doctor's office today; I wonder what could be wrong." Or "Bless her heart, she did that thing again." Is that gossip?

Answers to that question may vary. Sure, sometimes when we say certain things they come from a genuine concern. But, truthfully, at other times our motives are not pure. We might be trying to advance our own positions, we might be clinging too hard to our own ministry at the expense of another, or we might be trying to get revenge. Other times, we might just be expressing a negative thought without realizing the far-reaching consequences it might have for someone else.

So here's the deal. Let's not gossip. Let's choose not to be negative. If we don't have something nice to say, let's not say anything at all. Actually, let's take it one step farther... if we don't have something nice to say, FIND SOMETHING NICE TO SAY. There are always positives to point out if we look for them. Any idiot can point out the negatives (and they often do). Ephesians 4:29 tells us, "Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers." Let's be known as "good-finders"!

A key factor in this is to take our issues to an offending person directly. We shouldn't discuss them with anyone who is not directly involved in the situation. I really hate to find out that someone has talked about me behind my back or complained about me without giving me the first chance to rectify the situation. I'm sure others feel the same way. If we respect and love each other as brothers and sisters of faith, we owe each other that much. We should never, ever walk down the hall of the church and hear a negative word spoken about anyone else. Ever. That is not love; it is gossip. We can, and should, do better. And let's be quick to give grace during the times we screw it up.