Staying connected with your spouse while having small children in the home can be a major challenge for many couples. Often one or both of you is working full-time, or staying at home with the kids (which is tons of work), and the sheer physical exhaustion from caring for the home and kids can leave you feeling disconnected from your spouse.

So how does a couple with young children in the home stay connected?

First, you need to have the right mindset.

Accept the phase of life you are in, and realize that it is a phase.

Often I have become very frustrated about the challenges of staying connected with my husband during this time in our marriage. What has helped me, though, is to recognize that this is a phase, and that it does get easier over time.

Now that our daughter is slightly older, it is easier to do some of the things that were more difficult when she was an infant and toddler.

So keep in mind, first of all, that this phase of life will change. And recognize that there may be things you WANT to do as a married couple that are just not possible right now. Instead of wishing the time away, do your best to enjoy the phase you are in currently, and try not to become resentful of the demands that young children place on you and your spouse.

Prioritize your marriage.

Although the phase of having young children in the house may mean that life will look different than at other times in your marriage, it also is a very good idea to prioritize your marriage.

As a couple, you need to decide that you will make your marriage a priority. It is often said that many divorces take place once the children are grown and moved out the house. Why? Because the married couple didn’t stay connected while the kids were living at home. They focused so much on the children and their needs that they lost their identity as a married couple.

If you want to avoid this, then you must mentally make the decision that your marriage will come first-- before your relationship with your children.

Once you’ve accepted the phase of life you are in, and you’ve made a decision to prioritize your marriage, it’s time to begin putting into action some steps to stay connected as a couple.

Here are a few strategies that have worked really well for me and my husband:

1. Date Nights. I am a firm believer that having a regular date night--even when the children are young--is absolutely essential to staying connected and maintaining your communication.

My husband and I often attempt to have conversations around the house. I say attempt because we are inevitably interrupted by our 7-year-old, who loves to talk non-stop. We have learned that it’s basically pointless to try and discuss anything of importance when she is awake.

I'm sure we're not alone in this situation. That's why date nights are so essential. Having a specific time when you go out together allows you to have a full conversation without being constantly interrupted or having to run and change a diaper, get someone a drink, or clean up puke.

In our marriage, Saturday nights are reserved for each other. Once a month we go out, and the other Saturday nights we do something together at home. After our daughter is in bed, we make an effort to talk, play a game, watch a movie, or do something else that helps us stay connected.

Having this time reserved for date night--whether at home or out and about--allows us to look forward to that time together where we are not dealing with other responsibilities. 

2. Weekly Meeting. Okay, this one is not as exciting or sexy as date nights. But it can be very beneficial.

My husband and I have often run into challenges over our schedules. He works part-time as a pastor at our church and runs his own business. I homeschool our daughter and run my own business as well.

So, very often, there are events, plans, and situations that arise on one of our schedules that affects the other person. However, sometimes we do not communicate about these things until the last minute. For me, last minute communication about events equals stress.

So this year, we began touching base once a week about our upcoming events and schedules. Our goal is to sit down once a week and review the next week’s schedule. We discuss any changes outside of the normal routine. We talk about whether either one of us will be doing an activity with friends, or if there is a date night to plan, or a church activity going on.

This also is a time when we often discuss how we are doing in terms of our own needs and our needs as a couple. These conversations have helped us to stay connected and stay on the same page about our marriage and our family life.

3. Show Appreciation. The years of raising young children are incredibly demanding on both parents. There are sleepless nights, loads and loads of laundry, bills to pay, and mouths to feed. Especially when the kids are too young to really help out, and all they do is make a mess-- this can be emotionally and physically exhausting.

That’s why it is SO important, during these years, to show appreciation to your spouse for what they do.

It is very easy to become overwhelmed with everything you have to do that you neglect to notice what your spouse is doing. This happened with me and my husband after our daughter was born, and we both ended up feeling unappreciated and unloved.

It took a couple years of feeling very frustrated in our marriage and finally going to therapy to realize that lack of appreciation was a major cause of our unhappiness.

I also realized that I needed to change my attitude towards my husband in order to improve our marriage. I needed to begin recognizing what he WAS doing for our marriage instead of focusing on what he wasn't doing.

So taking the time to notice, and appreciate, the little things your spouse does is vitally important to staying connected. When you feel appreciated, you are more likely to feel connected to your spouse.

4. Schedule Sex. Often, in the midst of raising young children, your physical intimacy as a married couple can suffer. In the busyness of life, sometimes having sex becomes an item on your long list of “to-dos” instead of an important aspect of your relationship.

But maintaining your physical intimacy is vital to the health of your marriage. It may seem strange, but scheduling sex can truly help to keep that connection healthy. Rather than just waiting for the right moment to happen--which, let’s face it, with kids around, is unlikely to take place--you can take control of this as a couple and actually plan it.

I first heard of this idea at a marriage retreat that my husband and I attended, and then I’ve heard it a few other times from other couples and on podcasts. My husband and I have implemented this practice and it has helped us to stay connected even during challenging times in our lives.

5. Have fun together. Humor and laughter in a relationship is truly beneficial to maintaining a strong connection.

During the times that have been the most difficult in my marriage, I have noticed that we have not had very much fun together. On the other hand, when we are doing things we enjoy together and having fun, we tend to be more connected emotionally as well.

So make an effort to do fun things that you both enjoy! Sometimes these can be the simplest of activities, but they can produce great amounts of joy.

A few ideas: Play a board game together, either as a couple or as a family. Play a sport outside together-- kick a soccer ball around, play a game of toss, or badmiton, or go for a bike ride. These activities often result in laughter and fun naturally.

Allow yourselves to be silly. Some of me and my husband’s funniest moments are late at night, when we are both exhausted, but we just start laughing and making crazy jokes. It can be a fun way to end a day if you are able to laugh together.

Staying connected as a couple while you have small children running about is challenging, but not impossible. If you have the right mindset, and you put some simple habits into place, you are likely to see improvements in your relationship.

 

Esther Littlefield is a feisty pastor’s wife to her husband, Scott, and mom to her spirited daughter, KJ. They live in Maine where they enjoy as many outdoor adventures as possible in the midst of homeschooling, business, and church life. In her free time, you’d probably find her with a cup of coffee, a good friend, and a sink full of dishes. Esther is the founder of WellnessMomLife, helping moms balance marriage, motherhood, and ministry by caring for their personal, physical, spiritual, and relational wellness. Please visit her blog at www.wellnessmomlife.com, and join her FREE 5-Day Better Attitude Marriage Challenge. Follow her on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, and Instagram.

In our previous article, Ryan wrote 10 Mistakes Husbands Make, so we decided to follow it up with this article discussing the most common mistakes made by wives.

Here are the top 5 mistakes wives make:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

There aren't any! That's right... wives don't make mistakes.

Anything that goes wrong in a marriage is clearly the fault of the husband!

Just kidding.

We work with couples all the time, and we see a few issues over and over again. These are not true of all wives, of course, but they are the most common ones we see.

Lack of Communication

Many times, wives think they're communicating just fine, but when we dig down deeper we find bitterness, resentment, grudges, and unexpressed issues. A wife will tell us a whole litany of things that are going wrong in her marriage, but when we ask if she's talked to her husband about it, she looks like a deer in the headlights. Sometimes she's talked so much about the issue with everyone except her husband she doesn't even realize she hasn't talked to him.

Ladies, we absolutely have to get good at talking to our husbands. 

When an issue arises, we need to be lovingly honest and tell him.

If he doesn't hear it the first time, tell him again. And again. And again, until he hears it, understands it, and acts on it. Do not stop communicating.

I'm not talking about nagging him. Nagging is not an effective form of communication. The sound of nagging is like nails on a chalkboard. Instead, sit down with your husband without distractions, and be direct about whatever the issue is. Be kind, respectful, and polite, but be honest and direct.

Afterward, show grace and let it go. 

Lack of Respect

Men need respect, even in the middle of a time when they have screwed up big time. In fact, that's probably a time when they need it most. In those instances, your husband is probably already doubting himself and needs to be built up. Men need respect like women need unconditional love. If you don't believe me, there's a whole book about it called Love and Respect, by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. All couples should read that book.

Nothing good gets accomplished when wives treat their husbands with disrespect.

Screaming at him, embarrassing him in public, telling his secrets, scolding him, treating him like a child, or questioning his abilities all show disrespect. None of those things will make your marriage better and could tear it apart instead.

Your husband probably married you because of the way you made him feel about himself. Back when you were just dating, you probably made him feel like the king of your life. He relies so much on you for his self-worth, so be gentle and respectful.

Your words are powerful. Use them wisely.

Lack of Interest

Many wives get so busy with children or with their careers that their marriage gets put on the backburner. Obviously, this isn't just the fault of the wife, and husbands can be just as guilty, but it's definitely an issue we see in couples we've worked with. Most times, it's not intentional.

Let's face it, ladies... we're busy.

We're busy driving kids around. We're busy paying bills. We're busy writing books and baking cakes and doing laundry. We're busy with work and with church and with volunteering. By the end of the day, we're completely exhausted.

If we aren't careful, our busy-ness can translate into lack of interest in our husbands.

Husbands and wives alike need to make their marriage a priority. Your marriage is important, so you need to intentionally make time for it.

Schedule a date night or a weekend getaway. Go for lunch together on a weekday. Fill a thermos with coffee, go for a drive, and have a coffee break with some beautiful scenery. Show your spouse you care by spending time together.

Time = Love. 

Turn it Around

If any of these issues resonate with you, turn it around. Identify the areas in your marriage that need improvement, discuss them honestly with your spouse, and then make the necessary corrections. It's never too late to make your marriage everything you want it to be.

It's better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.

 

There are times in my marriage when I think everything is going great when it actually isn't. I don't always pick up on the signals my wife, Carrie, sends out. At times I can be really dense. Over the years, though, I've learned to be straightforward and ask Carrie what I can do better. I've also learned that there are a few common mistakes to avoid.

Here are ten common errors husbands commit:

1. We procrastinate on the "Honey-Do" List. There is always something that needs to be done, and we can always find a reason to put things off another day. The problem is that each day that passes, regardless of the excuse we use, is like adding a vile of nitroglycerin to the situation. The longer you leave it in the sun the more unstable it gets until the explosion eventually takes place.

2. We have been busy all week and spend zero quality time together when the call comes in to play a round of golf with the guys. We justify the time away in our minds and go. When we get home we wonder why our wife is on kid-overload and wants to cash in our life insurance policy. Duh.

3. We refuse to change a diaper, saying, "That's woman’s work." If you decide to say that, run for the hills because that three-pound mass of "woman’s work" will be coming at your head.

4. Too much time on sports or video games. There is nothing wrong with taking some time to relax and enjoy these things. There is a problem when your family takes a backseat to your sporting event or you are taking every free moment to join your buddies to play the latest online game. Your family matters more than the Stanley Cup. I promise.

5. Making private things public. How many times have you said something and as it leaves your mouth you look at your wife's fake smile and know you just messed up big time? We used to have a sign in our hockey locker room that said, "What is said here, stays here." It's the same within your home. There are just some things you should keep between you and your spouse. It's a respect issue.

6. Not taking an active role in the kids' up-bringing. Our wives should not be the only ones actively involved in the lives of our children. As Dads we need to lead our homes and help shape our children into the adults God wants them to be. Parenting requires a team effort, so be sure to play your part.

7. Pretending to listen. Ahh, the selective listening muscle we develop so well! Ever see a guy drooling on himself watching a TV program while his wife is trying to talk to him? Guys, when we tell our wives we can focus on both her and that show, we are only fooling ourselves. We miss out on a great deal when we don’t actively listen to our wife. It will tick her off. Big time.

8. Making a major purchase without discussing it with our wives first. Need I really say more here? When I was working in the car business, I saw the macho man come in like he is the boss and buy the car without talking to his wife first. The results are not pretty. Although he may talk a good game when he is not around her, we all know what will happen when he gets home with the new ride. If you don't believe me, go ahead and buy the most enormous big-screen TV with money she has set aside for the kids' school clothes and supplies. See how she responds. Good luck with that.

9. Trying to be funny in public by attaching wives to jokes. This is an especially nasty one, guys. No wife feels loved by someone who makes her look like a fool in public. This one cuts deep, guys, and is a huge no-no. Never, ever make your wife the butt of a joke.

10. We stop dating our wives. With all of the responsibilities we have to deal with each day, we get caught up in the details and stop making the time to date each other. This is like throwing a bucket of water on a fire. We have to keep working on the romance and reminding ourselves what we love about each other to keep the fire burning. We can easily let the demands from life (and children) take over. We could end up missing out on some great years. I have a motto that I have followed for quite a few years: "Happy Wife, Happy Life." If your wife isn't happy, no one in the house is happy. Spend time with her and treat her like she is special. She is.

I am not perfect, but I do continue to work on these things because when Carrie feels loved, respected, and appreciated, all is well in the Sharpe household. Chances are, if the better choice for me is to live in the corner of an attic, I have messed things up and I am reaping the harvest of bad decisions like I have mentioned above. You may think that verse I mentioned at the beginning of this article is a warning to wives about their attitudes, but I also know that my behavior (whether good or bad) can influence Carrie's attitude.

What things can you do today to be a better husband to your wife? If any of the pitfalls I mentioned struck a cord with you, I challenge you to make the necessary changes to improve your marriage. Marriage is a journey, and it is worth the time and effort we put into it.

 

To read the corresponding article, Mistakes Wives Make, click here.

 

Opportunities to model and teach social skills and manners to our kids are everywhere. They happen naturally in everyday life, and parents can be intentional to make some happen, too. One easy place to teach manners is at the family dinner table during meal-time.

Table manners get overlooked these days because so many of us are on the go. We eat in our cars or in front of the television where it's more difficult to teach the manners and social skills that our kids need.

Meal-time manners are an absolutely essential social skill. 

Our children need to be able to handle family dinners and gatherings. The manners they learn as kids will extend to their business lunches, networking parties, and other functions involving meals when they are adults. Parents need to intentionally teach kids good table manners and how to make small talk so they are prepared for these situations.

Family dinners are the most obvious opportunity to practice and teach table manners. It's also a great time to help kids practice how to participate in conversations. Families are busy with work and kids' activities, so it's important to purposely set aside at least a couple evenings each week to eat a meal together. If dinners are impossible, maybe a breakfast or weekend brunch would be better. Regardless of which meal it is, gather the family together around the table for a family meal on a regular basis.

Sit down and eat the meal together as a family. Work on basic table manners like asking for and passing food, saying please and thank you, keeping arms off the table and napkins in the lap, chewing with mouths closed, and not talking with food in the mouth. Manners like these are generally not taught in school, so as parents we need to do it. Be intentional. Observe your kids' current manners and help them make adjustments. Make mental notes during the meal and later discuss with your kids how they can improve.

During the meal, have a good conversation. Ask each other questions. Tell stories from your day. Stick to one conversation at a time so no one is talking over other people. Try asking questions that cannot be answered with one word. Eat slowly, and make the discussion the focus of the meal. Tell a silly joke. Whatever works. Don't give up if this does not go well right away. It's a process and may take some time, but kids definitely need to know how to speak to others politely and appropriately. Teach them, help them improve, and continue to work on it.

Make the commitment to yourself and your family to teach your kids these important social skills.

If we want kids to become productive adults, we must teach them basic social skills like meal-time manners. It's absolutely essential. It takes time and some course-correction along the way. Instruct your kids, model the desired behaviors, and be encouraging. You'll be preparing them to be successful in their future adult life.

We speak to other people every day. Whether you're talking to a close friend, family member, or mere acquaintance, it's inevitable that sometimes you'll say something you wish you hadn't. Social faux pas and blunders will always happen.

I call this "foot in mouth" syndrome. It occurs at those times when our comments, questions, or opinions fall flat or even offend the person we're talking to. We say something stupid, harsh, unsolicited, or downright cringe-worthy.

Open mouth, insert foot.

Because these unfortunate moments are inevitable, it's important that you know how to rebound or recover as quickly, and with as little carnage, as possible. These painful situations vary widely, so we'll cover the most common instances here.

"When are you due?" 

Asking a woman when she is due implies she is pregnant. To imply that a woman is pregnant means that you believe her belly appears larger than normal. This is extremely problematic if, in fact, the woman is not actually pregnant.

Basically, you've just told her she is fat. 

How can you recover if you commit this particular blunder?

1. Apologize. If you ask someone when she is due, and she tells you she isn't pregnant, you must immediately apologize. Her feelings will be hurt, and you must tell her how sorry you are for offending her. If she tells you she isn't pregnant, say something like, "I am so very sorry. I made an assumption I should not have. Can you please forgive me?" 

2. Tell a similar personal story. Try to be funny here, if possible. Tell that story about when someone said something similar that totally offended you. Afterward say, "That situation totally hurt my feelings, and I cannot believe I did the same thing to you."

3. Move on. Hopefully she will forgive you. Regardless, it's important to move on at this point and not make it worse by dwelling on it. Hopefully she didn't punch you in the head or cause any life-altering bodily harm. If she did, it may be more difficult to move on. Move on anyway, even if it means moving on to the ER for treatment of your concussion.

Calling someone by the wrong name, or not remembering their name at all

Everyone likes to be known and remembered, and knowing someone's name shows they are important to you. If you forget someone's name or call them by the wrong name altogether, you have basically made that person feel like they are not important enough to know or remember. 

What steps can you take to maneuver through this social minefield?

1. If you and your spouse walk up to someone whose name you can't remember, introduce your spouse first. For example, say, "This is my husband, Ryan." Usually at that point, the other person will be prompted to say, "Nice to meet you, Ryan. I'm so-and-so." Once that person states their name, remember it! 

2. If the situation is not like #1 above, simply admit you can't remember. Say, "I'm so very sorry, but I cannot remember your name. Could you please remind me what it is?" It's better to be honest and polite than to fake your way through it.

3. If you call someone by the wrong name altogether, apologize. Admit your mistake, ask for forgiveness, and then ask for their correct name. Most people also struggle with remembering names and are pretty quick to dish out some grace, especially if you've been honest and forthcoming.

4. Be sure to remember their name once they tell you. Repeat it back to them out loud while you're talking to them. Everyone wants to hear their name, so work it into your conversation. Say things like, "Well, Jodie..." whenever possible. They will like hearing their name, and saying it often will help you remember it for the future. PS- Only call them "Jodie" if that is, in fact, their name.

Assuming someone's age (and not even being close!)

Telling someone "You have lovely grandchildren!" is great... if that person actually has grandchildren. If you say that to someone and find out that those are actually their own children you have essentially aged them by about twenty years (or more). They may be understandably offended.

You can recover, however.

1. Apologize. Are you sensing a theme here? Anytime we screw something up, we need to admit it and ask for forgiveness. Taking responsibility for mistakes is something that does not happen often enough these days. So if you make this particular mistake, apologize.

2. Move on. There really is not much you can say to undo this one, and any attempt to do so will simply seem like you are making excuses for yourself. Don't do that. Just apologize and move on. Compliment their children, talk about something else, or tell an embarrassing story of your own.

Ranting about a business you have a problem with, and afterward finding out the owner heard you

In the age of the internet, this happens more and more.

Maybe you've had a bad experience with a company or business, and you feel led to rant about it on social media. Don't. The proper way to deal with this kind of issue is to speak directly to the owner or manager of the business. Most folks are happy to resolve the problem reasonably, especially if you live in a small town. It's important to remember that everyone can have a bad day from time to time, and there may be reasons for the bad experience that you don't yet understand. Seek out answers and try to work toward a resolution.

The next step, if you've exhausted all other avenues, would be to file a formal complaint with the Better Business Bureau, write an accurate but nonemotional review on the business's website or social media pages, or contact other authorities. Out-of-control rants really don't help anything and usually make a situation worse.

If you've already gone too far with a public rant, and you find out the business owner heard you, there are a few steps you can take to rectify the situation.

1. Delete the post. If there is anything you can do to remove what you have said, do so. You don't want to make the situation worse. If your comments were made verbally, move on to #2.

2. Apologize to the owner. You don't have to apologize for having the initial bad experience, but you should apologize for ranting about it publicly. No one wants their name dragged through the mud or their reputation ruined. Public negative statements should be a last resort rather than a first response.

3. Work with the owner to resolve the issue. Tell the owner, "I should not have taken this public until I talked to you and gave you the opportunity to correct the issue first." Everyone makes mistakes, and you should give the owner the chance to fix it. Work toward a win-win compromise. You may not get everything you want, but aim for a reasonable solution that will be acceptable to you both. If you ranted on social media and end up resolving your issue with this business, be sure to make a follow-up post telling that story. It's fair. 

Personal questions that illicit an uncomfortable response (or worse... tears)

It's sad to say, but in your lifetime you will probably make someone cry at least once with your words. Even if you don't cause tears, you will, inevitably, make someone uncomfortable by something you say. Common examples are asking someone if they have children (and then finding out they are unable to conceive), asking if someone's pregnancy was planned or a surprise, commenting that someone has too few or too many children, or making comments about a blended or interracial family.

A common one I hear when we're out with our five children is, "Don't you know what causes that?" It bothered me for awhile until I learned to respond with, "Yes, we do, and obviously we're very good at it!" 

I've developed a thicker skin (most people do) over the years, but we have to be aware that not everyone has. These types of questions and statements can really hurt.

We all have these "open mouth, insert foot" moments when we wish we could rewind and say something different (or nothing at all). Rebounding from these moments involves the following steps:

1. Apologize. Like a million times. And then a million more. If you make someone visibly uncomfortable or they start to cry, you need to apologize immediately. Keep it simple, don't make excuses, and don't give explanations for your blunder. Just apologize.

2. Ask if there is anything you can do to right this wrong. Sometimes there is, and sometimes there isn't. Regardless, it shows your sincerity to correct the situation when you ask what you can do. 

3. If you pray, pray that the person can heal from the hurt you've inflicted. They don't need to know that you're doing it, but just pray for them. God is in the business of healing hearts and hurts, so turn it over to Him. You can't make that person feel better, but God can.

4. Don't repeat the same mistake. Make a mental note of what you said that hurt this person's feelings so you don't do it or say it again. If this person is a close friend or family member, some follow-up may be necessary as well. A message, text, or phone calls a few days later to reiterate your regret over the matter may be in order. 

Sharing an emotionally-charged, unsolicited opinion

You should breastfeed/bottle-feed or you're a bad mother.

Good parents should/shouldn't vaccinate.

You should/shouldn't spank your kids or you're not a good parent.

You should belong to _________ church. All the other churches are terrible.

Smart people vote for Trump.

Only stupid people vote for Trump.

You'd be an idiot not to vote for Hillary.

You'd be an idiot to vote for Hillary.

Get the idea?

These controversial, emotionally-charged opinions are generally useless and don't serve to really convince anyone to change their mind anyway, so sharing them is pointless and hurtful. Parents have a difficult enough job without the input from know-it-alls who could not possibly understand every aspect of their family's situation. And I'm all for a good political discussion, but statements like those above are not good political discussion; rather, they are just nasty. Those are the kinds of opinions we should keep to ourselves unless asked (and then we should share opinions in a civil, well-researched manner, while allowing for differences of opinion and learning from them).

If you've shared an opinion that has obviously hurt someone you care about, there are ways to deal with it.

1. Apologize for hurting their feelings. Even if you are stubborn enough to believe your opinion is the only right one, you can say you're sorry for hurting the other person. We should apologize for hurting someone's feelings any time that happens.

2. See #1. There is no #2. If you've given an unsolicited emotionally-charged opinion and hurt someone's feelings, apologizing is the only way to deal with it. Oh, and for the love of everything good and holy, try not to offer up such inflammatory statements anymore. They are not helpful. At all.

Removing the foot from your mouth

All of these tips can be used to resolve a variety of social faux pas and blunders with the overall goal of restoring your relationship. You have to address the problem in order to move past it. You cannot pretend it didn't happen, you can't brush it under the rug, and you cannot avoid dealing with the matter. If your foot has been inserted in your mouth, you must remove it for your own good and for the good of the offended person. Acknowledging your blunder, communicating your regret, showing sincerity, and working to resolve the issue will go a long way toward restoring your relationship and helping it grow even stronger. 

When I was younger, I was not big on apologies (unless, of course, the apology came from someone else). I rarely thought I was wrong about anything, and an apology would somehow equal defeat. Unfortunately, my relationships suffered as a result.

The older I got, the more I realized the need to admit wrongdoing. This became especially apparent once I was married. I realized that an apology was not so much a symbol of defeat as a way to restore a relationship. If I have hurt someone in some way, I need to apologize. An apology does not necessarily mean that I "lose" something; rather, I gain something.

By apologizing, I gain restoration of a relationship.

Do you find it difficult to apologize?

It isn't always easy to apologize. We're prideful people, and it's tough to admit when we're wrong. Remember Fonzie on Happy Days? Even he found it tough to admit when he was wrong.

It was funny for Fonzie, but if we want strong relationships, we have to be willing to admit our mistakes and ask for forgiveness. This is especially true in marriage.

Your spouse is your greatest ally on this planet, so keeping that relationship strong is vital. If anything causes strife in marriage, it is worth resolving as quickly as possible. An apology is the way to do just that.

Admittedly, I am not always right. It kind of hurts just saying that. But, it's true. No one is right all the time. We all screw stuff up. We hurt people's feelings. We say things we shouldn't. When we do, we need to apologize.

Here's how to apologize to your spouse in the most effective way:

1. Swallow your pride. Pride is ugly, and it will cause you to be stubborn and full of yourself. Pride will tell you that you are right and don't need to apologize. Recognize and banish those thoughts and tendencies. Marriage is a union of two people who have become a team. There is no room for strife in that team. When you mess up, be quick to admit it, and throw your pride to the wayside. Approach your spouse with humility, and don't make excuses for yourself.

2. Admit your wrongdoing. Don't be Fonzie. Be straightforward and state exactly what you did wrong. Say it out loud in detail. Your spouse needs to know that you fully understand what you are apologizing for. 

3. Say, "I'm sorry." Actually say the words. Telling your spouse "I'm sorry" signals that you feel regret for your actions or words. Even if you believe you are right in the situation, you can at least apologize for hurting your spouse's feelings or for arguing.

4. Express a plan to fix the situation. Sometimes you'll need to take steps to rectify the situation. Other times you'll need to share a plan to make sure your wrongdoing will not occur again. Either way, verbalize your intentions so your spouse knows you're serious and can see how you will change.

5. Be patient. Your spouse may not accept your apology immediately. While it's important for both spouses to show grace and give the benefit of the doubt, understand that it may be difficult for your spouse to do that right away. Don't explode if your spouse needs some time or is angry. Give your spouse the time and space they need to work through your apology.

We all make mistakes and do things we wish we hadn't. We need to get good at apologizing if we want our marriages to remain strong. Humility and willingness to rectify a bad situation will go a long way toward restoring your relationships.

Your family will face a crisis. It may not be today. It may not be tomorrow. But at some point, a crisis will strike.

How will you handle it?

A crisis can occur in many forms: cancer, a sick child, bankruptcy, adultery, divorce, infertility, bullying, miscarriage, job loss, harmful gossip, financial strain, death of a loved one, car accident, house fire... Need I go on?

It's not a question of whether a crisis will strike; it is only a question of when and what kind of crisis your family will experience.

Ryan and I have experienced several crises during our marriage. We've experienced job loss and financial strain. We've had three miscarriages, and our son, Maverick, almost died at birth and fought for his life in the hospital for a few weeks. Ryan almost died when his femoral artery burst during a hockey game in college, and I had a cancer scare a couple years ago. Just because we've experienced these crises does not make us exempt from another one. So, when the next family crisis strikes, how should we handle it?

1. Keep talking. Unfortunately, many people facing a crisis either stop talking altogether or they start fighting. Tensions run high, and it's difficult to control our responses during a crisis. However, if we want our relationships to remain strong we must be able to discuss our fears and feelings with each other. Instead of clamming up, we need to talk it out. Some crises require decisions to be made, and talking through every option is essential. Other times, we just need to express ourselves or pray and cry together.

2. Mind your mouth. Try to remain as level-headed as possible, and keep control of your tongue as best you can. Easier said than done, I know, but words cannot be taken back. It's crucial in a crisis to be careful what you say so you don't cause additional problems for your family. Biting someone's head off won't solve anything in the long-term. Everyone's emotions are understandably raw during a crisis, so be very careful what you say. Don't stop talking, but choose your words intentionally. It's fine to express yourself and share your fears and feelings. It's never helpful to attack others, call people names, or bring up past wrongs. 

3. Keep listening. Our loved ones are experiencing the same crisis, but they are feeling different things. We need to talk about our own feelings, but we also need to listen to our loved ones. They need to be heard, and they need a safe environment to express themselves and be understood. Try hard to listen well and be attentive. Active listening during a crisis helps avoid additional issues and problems, and it can help us understand what everyone in the crisis is experiencing. Try not to judge each other's responses and feelings; everyone is different, and that is okay.

4. Pull together. This one seems obvious, but many people withdraw from loved ones during a crisis. Instead, pull together. Lean on each other, and become a team to overcome the crisis. It is helpful to know that your other family members and loved ones are there for you, and you can be there for them. A crisis may actually help your family to grow closer than ever before. I would never purposely choose to have our son, Maverick, almost die, but that experience forged a bond between Ryan and me that became stronger than I could have ever imagined.

Every family will face a crisis at some point. Our responses determine how our relationships move forward after the crisis. Choose your responses well so that your family can come through the crisis stronger than ever.

If you are married or are in a significant relationship with someone, you need date nights on a consistent basis. Every couple does. There is no possible way to grow your relationship or keep it strong if you aren't spending quality time together.

Lounging on the couch together while drooling on yourselves in front of the television is not quality time, by the way.

I know you're busy, exhausted, and have other things to do. I get it. I really do. We have five kids, I homeschool them, I work from home, and Ryan works a full-time sales job. We struggle to schedule date nights, too. At times money gets tight, and we don't want to spend it on date nights.

But we understand that date nights are vital to the health of our marriage, so we make sure they get scheduled as often as possible. Date nights don't have to break the bank, either. 

Date nights are necessary because they give us a chance to get out of the house and away from our usual routine. They get us away from interruptions like phones, work, and children. Date nights motivate us to de-stress and give us the opportunity to fall in love all over again. They force us to focus on each other and talk about issues, ideas, goals, and dreams. Date nights provide a great opportunity to communicate with each other.

As Communication Consultants, Ryan and I work with couples all around the world. We host Marriage Communication Masterminds that give us the opportunity to chat with couples about marriage communication topics like listening, speaking clearly, appreciating differences, and conflict resolution. We listen and learn more about each couple and help them strategize a gameplan to improve their communication and strengthen their relationship. Through our discussions with couples, the number one problem we find is that most couples are not intentionally spending enough quality time together. Everything else falls apart when there is not enough quality time.

It's impossible to communicate effectively if you're not spending quality time together with your spouse or significant other.

Luckily that's a problem that is easy to solve. Simply start scheduling date nights together on a regular basis.

We recommend weekly date nights, or biweekly dates at the very least. The dates can take place away from home, or they can happen in the home after the kids go to bed. It's best to get out of the house, though, because when we're home we're tempted to do dishes, laundry, deal with children, or get distracted by other household issues. Even taking a walk alone together after dinner can be a nice date night.

Date nights don't have to be formal or fancy. Our favorite ones are simple and cheap (or even free). For example, one of our favorite date nights consists of sitting on the porch alone after the kids go to bed. We light candles, drink coffee, and talk. It's peaceful and gives us the opportunity to spend time together. We share stories, reminisce, and chat about important topics. That kind of date night doesn't take much planning and doesn't cost much at all.

If money is an issue, inexpensive date nights like our porch dates are easy to plan. Anything that gets you out of the house or focusing on each other can be a date night. If paying a babysitter is an issue, many teenagers are willing to babysit for small fees. Some couples even swap babysitting with other couples so everyone gets a date night. Our porch date nights don't require a babysitter because we're at home; we just wait until the kids are in bed.

Whatever is preventing you from having regular date nights can be solved. Date nights are important enough to find solutions to your problems. Intentional quality time and communication with your spouse or significant other is necessary to grow a stronger relationship. If that relationship is important to you, you need date nights.

 

Travel is required for most jobs at some point, so inevitably there will be a time when either you or your spouse is out of town for work. Marriage is challenging enough when you're able to spend lots of time together, and that challenge only increases when you have to spend time apart. Ryan and I travel pretty often, so we have discovered several ways to keep our marriage strong. You and your spouse will need to determine what will work for you.

If either of you must travel, try these suggestions to keep your marriage strong:

1. Write each other love notes. Ryan often leaves secret notes for me to find while he's gone. He leaves them in my vitamin box, in my purse, on my dashboard, or even in my dresser drawer. These are just quick little notes saying "I love you," or "I hope you have a great day today." You can put similar notes in your spouse's suitcase or briefcase when they travel, too. Finding the notes from Ryan makes me feel closer to him when we're apart, and it's nice to know he took the time to write them. It shows me that he cares.

2. Spend time together, even when you're apart. With all the technology that exists these days, there is no reason not to be in contact with each other during travel. Send text messages or Facebook messages often. Call each other when you have a few free minutes, and be sure to FaceTime or Skype with each other before bed. Even when travel separates you, there are countless ways to spend time together.

3. Avoid questionable situations. When you're apart, don't put yourself in situations that disrespect your spouse and marriage. It is unwise to get drunk at a bar when you're out of town without your spouse. It goes without saying that you'd be asking for trouble in a situation like that, but other scenarios should probably be avoided as well. Ryan doesn't drive to a work event alone with a woman. He also won't have dinner alone with a woman, even for work. He believes that would be disrespectful to me, and it might give the wrong idea to an onlooker. He drives and eats separately, or in a group that includes both men and women. I follow the same standards when we're apart as well. It's not that we don't trust each other (we do), but we like to avoid even the appearance that something questionable might be happening. A marriage that isn't as strong as ours might not even survive situations like the ones I described.

4. Be helpful at home when you return. Since the spouse who didn't travel has been holding down the fort in your absence, it's important that you do more once you get home. Unpack your suitcase, throw in a few loads of laundry, and help out with the housework and kids. Your spouse will need a break, so make sure that happens. Catch up on anything that needs to be done.

5. Go on a date night with your spouse. When the trip is over, make sure you schedule a date night together. It's a great way to reconnect with each other and chat about anything that happened while you were apart. If you have kids, plan a separate time to do something special with them.

6. Travel with your spouse whenever you can. Traveling together is so fun, and it's a great way to make memories and focus on each other. If one of you is traveling for work, maybe it's possible for both of you to go. Ryan and I do this quite often. If he needs to travel for work, I go with him whenever I can. I stay in the hotel while he's working during the day (or I shop, sightsee, or relax in a coffee shop), and then we have dinner together and go out at night when he's finished with work. We have found this to be a great way to keep our marriage strong and still accomplish the necessary travel.

The main thing is to keep your marriage the most important thing in your mind and heart when you are away from your spouse. Physical distance does not have to create problems if you are intentional about making your marriage a priority. Try a few of our suggestions, and figure out what will work best for you and your spouse. Do you have other ideas? Leave us a comment below. We'd love to hear from you!

Conflict happens. That is a guarantee. Resolving it is a skill we all need to hone. Unfortunately, most people don't have this skill and don't make an effort to acquire it. Resolving conflict isn't always pleasant, so many times even adults shy away from it.

If adults don't resolve conflict well, how can we expect our kids to do so?

First of all, we need to stop doing it for them. Rather, we need to show them how to face it head-on.

One of our children recently reached champion tattletale status. Seriously. It got to the point that we knew we needed to purposefully teach conflict resolution skills. Tattling is a huge pet peeve of mine, and I refuse to solve my children's problems for them, so we set out to instill better conflict resolution skills in our child.

To begin, we banished tattling (with the obvious exception of telling us about dangerous situations). We taught that when you have an issue with someone, you deal directly with that person only. Bringing an outsider into the situation should only be done as a last resort (and even then the outsider should be an unbiased facilitator, who helps the parties resolve the issue without taking sides). Tattling just shirks responsibility for finding a resolution to the parents, and I don't want to be my kids' judge and jury. I want to equip them to resolve issues themselves.

Here are the steps we worked through:

1. Don't react emotionally. No one ever responds to conflict well when they are emotionally charged. It's imperative to control anger and other emotions in order to resolve conflict. Don't react or respond unless you are calm. 

2. Seek to understand. Many conflicts are created because we jump to conclusions. Ask the other person directly to explain their side of the situation. Many conflicts can be avoided or resolved simply by asking for clarity. Speak nicely, and don't make accusations.

3. Listen actively. Active listening means that we need to keep our mouths shut and ears open. Don't interrupt when the other person is talking. Don't sit there the whole time the other person is talking trying to formulate your response. Don't try to be right; just try to understand the other person's point of view.

4. Take responsibility. Even if you're right, take responsibility for your role in the conflict. Apologize that you hurt the other person's feelings. Saying "I'm sorry" goes a long way toward resolving conflict, even if the other person does not return the favor. Offer to make the situation right wherever you can.

5. Show grace. Give the benefit of the doubt whenever possible. Try to understand that everyone has bad days sometimes, and maybe something like that is at the root of the conflict. Mend fences whenever possible. Be kind. Be humble. Move on without holding a grudge.

After we walked through those steps, we did a little role playing. We talked through a few scenarios and possible ways to resolve them. We asked our child to describe what would be the best thing to do in each situation. We did our best to get this child thinking about good ways to resolve conflict. This is a journey and will take some practice.

We also needed to do a self-check on how we, as adults, are resolving conflict. We want to make sure we are modeling proper ways to resolve conflict in our own relationships. We want our kids to see how we do it, and not just hear the words we speak. Conflict resolution is a necessary life skill, and we hope we give our kids sufficient resources for the future. As a family, we can work on it together.