During the holiday season, there can be a lot of stress. We're overscheduled, our budgets are tight, and we're dreading that family visit that includes old Uncle Harold and his distasteful jokes. Despite all of that, we can come through this holiday season with stronger family relationships if we try. We just need to create opportunities to disengage from electronic devices and promote face-to-face conversations.
Stronger relationships won't "just happen." We have to work on them, and we have to be purposeful about it. Here are a few tips for doing that:
1. Plan a favorite family activity. Our family enjoys snowshoeing, card games, and game nights. None of those costs much, they don't require much planning, and they all provide opportunity to talk to each other. Some of our best memories have been made while snowshoeing when we're taking in beautiful views and laughing about something one of the kids said. Find an activity your family enjoys, and be sure to do that during this holiday season.
2. Try something new. Take a cooking class together. Try downhill skiing. Check out a museum you haven't visited before. While we love our familiar favorites, sometimes it's nice to try something we haven't done before. Doing that as a family provides an opportunity to work as a team, get vulnerable, and help each other be successful. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you'll make memories.
3. Volunteer together. Nothing builds a family bond like doing good work together. Whether you take a shift serving lunch at the homeless shelter or simply decide to shovel driveways in your neighborhood, you'll create a bond with your family while helping other people. Working together to make life easier for someone else forms a bond like nothing else.
4. Give Secret Santa gifts to each other. Sometimes we focus so much on what we're getting that we forget how giddy we can feel when we give. If that's the case this year, draw names and start a Secret Santa program in your family. Simply give each other tiny gifts for a few days in a row. Your family will bond while thoughtfully choosing gifts for each other, and when you reveal who the Santas are, you'll have lots of laughs and great discussion.
5. Deliver cookies to friends and sing Christmas carols on the way. For this one, you'll spend time together while baking and decorating the cookies, and you'll get time together in the car while you deliver them. Christmas carols add to the festive atmosphere, so turn them up loud and sing along. Having fun together as a family is a great way to build a bond. Don't feel pressure to make it perfect though. If buying cookies and singing along to Stone Temple Pilots is more your speed, do that.
These ideas should help you think of ways to spend time with your family while promoting stronger relationships. Choose an activity you all can enjoy, and utilize it to start having conversations. You'll laugh together and create memories for years to come.
I often wish my kids would behave more like adults, especially in public or at formal events. Let's face it: I want perfection. I really want them to display good table manners, say "please" and "thank you," make small talk with good eye contact, and refrain from doing anything that might embarrass me. I wish for the same during the holidays. There's nothing like a family dinner or holiday party to test even the most well-behaved child's behavior. I've learned over the years, though, that perfection is totally unrealistic and actually even overrated.
Parents may feel out of control during the holidays, but we aren't entirely powerless. Here are a few tips for surviving the holidays with kids:
1. Get enough sleep. Everyone gets cranky when tired, so be sure your children get enough sleep during the holiday season and especially before a big holiday event. Same for you. Enough said.
2. Be reasonable. Young children cannot be expected to behave perfectly for 8 hours straight. They also cannot keep a formal gown spotless for an entire day. They cannot sit perfectly still or put up with their annoying cousin for hours on end. Be sure to think through the reality of the situation and don't ask too much of your kids.
3. Prepare your children. Bring toys or activities to keep them busy during holiday gatherings. Make sure you have sufficient snacks. Discuss the plan with them so they know what to expect. Talk about the manners you want them to display. If there will be a guest present who is troublesome for your children, talk about how to handle it ahead of time. Give your kids an escape route if they sense trouble starting. Let them know they can come to you if there is a problem. It's a good idea to inform them how long they will be at the event, what foods will be available, and what your expectations are. Talk about it all so your children are well prepared.
4. Make corrections in private. You'll embarrass your children if you correct them in public, so if a correction is necessary do it in private. Your child will appreciate the respect, and a break from the activity is a good idea anyway. If a situation at a party gets completely out of hand, simply leave. Sometimes it's better to just cut your losses. You can discuss the behavior after everyone has calmed down.
5. Get over it. Nothing is perfect, including children and holidays. If an event ends up less than enjoyable, don't dwell on it. Simply learn from it and move on. You may be disappointed or embarrassed, but the important thing is to remind your children that you love them. Your family is so much more important than a single event or holiday.
The holiday season is full of fun and enjoyment, but it can be overwhelming and downright stressful at times for both parents and children. Plan well, and follow our tips, and your family will make it through this holiday season unscathed.
If you have a family-- at all-- you have experienced family dysfunction during the holidays at some point. We laugh about it when we watch movies like National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, but it isn't so funny when it happens in real life. Uncles, cousins, great-aunts, and in-laws can be sources of real tension during the holiday season.
Family dysfunction is inevitable. We don't get to choose our family members. Rather, we're thrown together in close quarters with folks who may be very different from us. Their values vary. Their politics vary. Their skills, interests, and opinions vary. All those variations can cause a whole lot of friction. The holidays can be a true test of our tolerance.
So, when the dysfunction rears its ugly head, how can you manage it?
1. Look forward. Try to remember that this, too, shall pass. The holidays aren't a never-ending event (even if it feels that way!), so look to the future. Keep the end in view. There is a light at the end of the dysfunction tunnel. It's a lot easier to be kind and let things roll off your back when you remind yourself that in a few hours, or in a few days, you'll be back to your normal life. Don't dwell on the current situation; it will end soon.
2. Agree to disagree. Don't allow yourself to get sucked in to the muck. Arguing over politics, religion, or some other topic serves no good purpose. Stay out of those emotionally charged conversations. You don't have to prove that you're right, and you don't have to try to change other people's minds. It's okay to disagree (kindly). Simply move on. Walk away if you have to.
3. Give grace. Your family members aren't perfect, and neither are you. They will screw up during family gatherings, and they will say stupid things. So will you. Instead of beating them over the head each time, dish out grace instead. Forgive, and move on. Be kind and respectful. Hopefully your family members will be as gracious toward you, but give them grace without expectation. Dysfunction can be diffused with a healthy dose of grace.
The holidays don't have to be the catalyst for family feuds. We can experience peace and fun during the holidays with family members if we purposefully manage the inevitable dysfunction. Strategize ahead of time, using the guidelines outlined in this article, and you'll be well on your way!
We all know them. They're those rare unusually happy people who seem to actually love the holidays. Nothing seems to bother them. They're whistling when the rest of us are grumbling. They're smiling when we're frowning. They bake cookies while the rest of us are just trying to survive. Family dysfunction, tight budgets, and awkward holiday parties just don't seem to ever affect them.
What's their secret?
Those folks who seem to actually love and enjoy the holidays have 3 habits in common. Knowing what those habits are can help the rest of us to enjoy the holidays more, too. We may never be as ridiculously happy as they are, but we can certainly take steps in the right direction. Here's what sets them apart:
1. They focus on the reason for the season. This doesn't mean they don't have problems and that everything is perfect. It isn't. But happy holiday people tend to remember there is a reason for the holiday season, and they focus on that. They don't allow themselves to get caught up in the muck of the season. Instead, they keep the true meaning of the holidays in the forefront of their minds and they remember their blessings.
2. They plan. They plan their holiday budget well in advance. They decide what family members they will visit and put those visits on their calendars. They make lists of gifts to buy, and they do it early in the season. Planning out the holiday season takes some work but allows them to decide what is truly important so they can say no to everything else. They plan so they won't get over-scheduled and won't overspend. They know they can't do everything, so they plan what they can.
3. They develop and utilize effective communication skills. We all know that politics and religion are topics that can create tension at holiday functions. Beyond that, happy holiday people know how to resolve conflict, edify others, and speak kindly. They don't "stir the pot," ask uncomfortable questions, or criticize others. They've worked hard on their social and communication skills, and they use them during the holidays. They keep things positive and don't lose their emotional intelligence.
We can all become happier holiday people. We just need to keep the right things in perspective, plan well, and communicate effectively. If we begin now, we can ensure the happy holiday season that we envision.
A few days ago, my husband, Ryan, and I heard music coming from the bathroom. Our son was in the shower, so Ryan knocked on the door and went in to investigate.
It turns out our teenage son had a phone in the bathroom to listen to music while he showered. Unfortunately, he had the phone in the shower with him.
Seriously. The phone was in the shower.
When asked, our son told us, "It's okay because I have it wrapped in a dry washcloth."
Not kidding.
This, my friends, is why I have a monthly standing appointment at the salon to get my gray hair colored.
While I've never taken a phone into the shower, I have made plenty of other mistakes in my lifetime. Unfortunately, the ones that have caused the most regret involve hurting other people. I've said harmful things to family members and friends during disagreements that I've wished I could take back.
Words can't be taken back, however. They can't just be removed like we removed our son's phone from the shower. We need to be careful what we say during disagreements so we don't ruin a relationship.
Here are a few tips for resolving disagreements effectively:
Don't Speak When You're Angry
We say things we may not mean when we're angry. It's important to take a step back, cool off, and then decide how to respond.
Leave the situation if necessary, or sleep on it. If you're angry, you need the time to sort through the situation before you respond. You're less likely to say regretful things if you wait until you are no longer angry.
Carefully Consider What to Say
Once you're calm, it's important to take the time to formulate what you want to say. Word selection is paramount, so use caution when deciding on your response.
Look at the situation from all angles, and be gracious but honest.
Move Forward
Once you have resolved a disagreement, don't linger on it. Dwelling on it won't make it disappear. Figure out how best to move forward, and then do that.
Our son learned that if he wants to listen to music in the shower, he needs to leave the phone outside the shower. He is moving forward and not dwelling on his mistake.
When speaking to an audience, whether from stage or on video or Facebook Live, you have two goals as the speaker. One goal is to teach the audience something in your area of expertise. The other goal is to have the audience get to know you, like you, and trust you. An effective way to accomplish that second goal is through storytelling.
Storytelling involves sharing stories about your life experiences, personal victories and failures, challenges you have overcome, and quirky tidbits that make you unique. Storytelling means you need to be transparent and maybe even a little bit vulnerable. Your audience needs to relate to you, and storytelling is how to make that happen. Storytelling can create that emotional connection you need with your audience.
Follow these steps to effectively share your story:
Empty Your Mind
You need to get all your ideas for a story onto paper. Once you have a story topic in mind, set a timer for fifteen minutes, and write down every idea you have for your story. Don’t worry if your ideas aren’t well-worded, and don’t try to edit anything while you’re making this list. Simply write down everything that comes to mind until your paper is full and your mind is empty.
After your fifteen minutes end, walk away from the paper. Take a break for a few minutes or even wait until the next day. Then, repeat this exercise until you have enough ideas to work with.
Get Organized to Create an Outline
Once all your ideas are on paper, carefully consider each idea. Determine whether each idea supports your overall topic. Decide whether you should use each idea for your current speech. Weed out ideas that won’t work with the topic at hand. The ideas you don’t use this time can be saved for a later time.
After you decide which ideas you’ll use, organize them into an order that makes sense. Put the ideas in chronological order or some other workable order that flows well. Figure out the lesson you want your audience to learn, and close with that.
From that ordered list, you can structure your outline. Your outline will serve as the skeleton for your story. It gives you direction and a roadmap.
Build on the Outline with Your Unique Voice
Transform your outline into a fully detailed story with your wording. Choose phrases and words that you would typically use in a casual conversation. Sometimes it helps to record yourself telling your story out loud, and then write down what you said. Say it in the way you’d say it to your best friend. This method helps keep your story personal, relatable, and casual.
Be Yourself
Tell your story in a way that makes sense for you and your brand. If you’re normally comical, be funny in your story. If you use particular jargon in your everyday conversations, feel free to use it in your story. Do whatever makes you unique. Don’t try to be someone you’re not. The whole point is to showcase what makes you special.
If you’re a bookseller, tell how a book changed your life. If you’re a counselor, tell about a time your counselor challenged you. If you are a personal trainer, tell about how you were inspired to do what you do.
Share Your Story
Your audience needs to know you, like you, and trust you, so use storytelling in your speeches, videos, and podcasts to help make that happen. Your personal stories set you apart from your competitors. There is no one else exactly like you on this earth, so there are no other stories exactly like yours.
You don’t have to be a perfect writer or a polished speaker to share your story. Just tell it. You’ll create deeper connections, relate better, and attract potential clients like never before.
Need some ideas for ways you can use Public Speaking to grow your business? Not sure where to start? Join the fun in our Speaking Society! Click here to join.
Whether you feel confident or not, you can appear confident to those with whom you communicate. You can't always control your feelings, but you can control your body language. Body language plays a vital role in confidence. It determines how confident you look.
Follow these tips to communicate with confidence:
Stand straight and tall
You'll appear strong and powerful if you sit up, or stand up, straight and tall. Good posture exudes confidence.
Don't slouch or slink across the room. Instead, put your shoulders back and hold your head high. Stand up tall to appear confident.
Make direct eye contact
Confidence requires good eye contact. Looking elsewhere depicts nervousness.
Look people in the eye. Don't stare at the ceiling or the floor. You'll come across as confident and interested if you make direct eye contact during conversations.
Use a firm handshake
A confident person is quick to reach out a hand for a firm handshake.
No limp noodle hands here! Use a solid grip when shaking hands. Practice with a friend until you learn how strong your handshake is.
Hold still
Fidgeting is the ultimate sign of nervousness.
Be still. Don't pace around the room, twirl your hair, or pick at your clothes. Control your hands, arms, feet, and facial expressions.
Fake it until you feel it
You may not feel confident, but you can appear that way by controlling your body language. Eventually, you'll feel confident, too. Keep utilizing these body language tips until you do!
Need some ideas for ways you can use Public Speaking to grow your business? Join our Speaking Society! Click here to join.
A new school year brings excitement. There are new classes, new teachers, and new clothes. At the same time, a new school year can bring anxiety over unknowns like new challenges and new people. As parents, we want to see our children transition into these new situations as painlessly as possible. The following tips will help.
Encourage your child to step out of the comfort zone
Great things never happen inside our comfort zones. Kids will need a little nudge to embrace that. Making new friends may feel scary to your child. Take the time to point out all the benefits of making new friends like learning new things and having more playmates on the playground.
Discuss how it's kind to make friends with a new student, and provide your child with ideas for making that happen like inviting a new student to sit at your child's table in the lunchroom. Playing together on the playground, sharing toys, or reading together are other easy options for forging new friendships.
Practice meeting someone new
Work with your child to learn the social skills necessary to meet someone new. Practice using direct eye contact, speaking audibly and clearly, and asking questions to create a conversation. The best way to do that is for you to model the behavior and then allow your child the opportunity to practice these new skills.
Practice at home until your child is comfortable, and then encourage him to practice these skills in real-life situations outside the home. Playgrounds, parks, or church gatherings provide opportunities to practice meeting new people and having conversations. Be encouraging, help your child adjust skills as necessary, and praise your child's efforts.
Teach your child how to resolve conflict
Conflict is inevitable, even in strong friendships. Your child needs to know how to resolve it quickly. Teach your child to seek to understand when conflict arises. Many conflicts occur simply because we make assumptions when we should instead ask questions to understand the situation before responding.
Teach your child to take responsibility for his part in a conflict and to show grace to the other person. Most conflicts can be resolved fairly easily if resolution is the goal, but these skills must be taught and practiced.
Be your child's role model
The best way to help your child make new friends at school is to model friend-making skills yourself. Go out of your way to talk to new people and make new friends. Let your child see you shake hands and start a conversation with someone new. Invite friends over to your home for dinner or meet up for a playdate with your children. When your child sees you do these things, making new friends will seem like a natural thing to do.
All it takes is a death in the family (or a bad medical diagnosis, or some other crisis) to remind us that some things matter, and some things don't.
What doesn't matter is differing opinions. Preferences. Unachieved expectations. Unrealistic standards. What doesn't matter is all the little things we fuss over on any given day.
It doesn't matter what kind of car we drive. It doesn't matter whether we have the brand-name labels for our kids to wear to school. It doesn't matter which way the toilet paper goes on the roll, or whether a spouse leaves clothes on the floor. It doesn't matter if your to-do list is finished. It doesn't matter if everyone agrees about what kind of TV show is acceptable or what movie you let your kids watch. It doesn't matter if you have one pair of shoes, no shoes, or a million designer shoes.
It doesn't matter if your sister had a bad day and said something rude. It doesn't matter if your parents drive you crazy. It doesn't matter if your brother handles a situation differently than you would. It doesn't matter if your friend visits as often as you think he should. It doesn't matter if your coworker has annoying habits at the office or doesn't call you back as quickly as you'd like.
It doesn't matter whether you think leggings aren't pants. Or are.
It doesn't matter if you like this year's candidates. Or not.
It doesn't matter if you love the music at church. Or can't stand it.
Some things just don't matter.
What matters is our relationships. What matters is whether those we love know how much we love them. Are we on good terms? Have we resolved conflict? Have we said the things that need to be said? Have we opened our hearts and met the needs of others?
Do we appreciate each other?
Did we make a real effort?
Do we accept responsibility?
Have we forgiven each other?
It's amazing how much we celebrate someone after they die. Obituaries are full of praise! We focus on someone's good points and minimize their flaws. We remember their positive contributions. Imagine if we did those things with the people we love while they're still alive? Forgive, focus on the good, speak positively.
Life is short, and some things matter... like your marriage, your relationships with your children and family, and your friendships.
Make your relationships right.
Communicate.
Connect.
Appreciate each other, forgive each other, and dish out grace in huge portions while you can.
If you have a less-than-stellar relationship with someone, make it right TODAY. Tomorrow is not promised, and at the end of it all, some things matter and some things don't. Move past the things that don't.
Say what needs to be said.
Right the wrongs.
We only get one chance at this life. Focus on what matters.
That is what the Obstetrician told me as he stood on the other side of the delivery room putting on his gown and gloves. So I did. And before I could even finish the "practice push," Maverick was born. Ryan caught him. I have never seen a doctor dive across the room so fast. Apparently after previously having two other babies, I no longer needed "practice."
Maverick arrived two weeks before his due date because he was in distress. Maverick was dying from a rare bacterial infection.
This week is Maverick's 12th birthday. Every year, I remember back to his actual birth day and thank God for every minute we have been blessed to have him in our lives. He spent weeks after his birth in the hospital fighting for his life, and it could have ended so differently. For many parents, it does end so differently. Their pain and disappointment is not lost on me.
While we were at the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit), Maverick had an IV in the top of his head. He was on a ventilator, he had tubes jammed into his wrist, and a line inserted in his umbilical cord. There were monitors covering his body that showed his vitals on a TV screen and beeped loud alarms whenever something went wrong. He was sedated, we were not allowed to hold him, and he was dying. I spent the first several days in a zombie-like state of shock, just praying to God to heal Maverick.
Every minute felt like an eternity, and I eventually lost track of what day it was and whether it was even night or day. We kept vigil next to his side, just staring at him while we waited for any sign of improvement. After praying for what felt like years, the words to a Mark Schultz song popped into my head. It's called "He's My Son" and was written about parents whose son had a terrible illness. I hadn't heard the song since we lived in Memphis years before. It had been sung at church one Father's Day. The words that I heard in my head are "I try to be strong and see him through. But God, who he needs right now is YOU."
And that's exactly how I felt in that moment. I had done everything I could do (which, incidentally, was not much). The doctors were doing everything they could do. Our friends and family had done everything they could do. Maverick needed more than us at that point; he needed God. You see, God could be with Maverick when I could not. I had to sleep. I had to eat. I had to take a shower. I couldn't be there every minute. But God was. I wasn't even allowed to hold Maverick. But God could. God could be with Maverick through every step of this nightmare, and I believe He was.
And here is the most reassuring part: God created Maverick and loves him more than I ever could. He loves in a way I cannot even comprehend. He was with Maverick through it all, holding him, loving him, and seeing him through. I am only human, but God is God. "God, who he needs right now is YOU." When I thought about all that, I realized I needed to trust God's plan in that situation. I maybe wouldn't like the outcome, but I trusted Him to know what was best for Maverick and the rest of us. That was not an easy decision to come to, but if God loves Maverick more than I ever could, I had to trust that His plan would be the right plan whether I liked it or not.
Maverick's neonatologists prepared us for the worst, as his death was likely. They ran out of options and treatments to try. To this day no one can give a human explanation for why one day Maverick just started getting better. That kid is a fighter and a true champion, and I know God is the reason. There is absolutely no other explanation.
I do not pretend to understand why painful experiences to happen to us. While this situation with Maverick had a good outcome, other situations did not. We have lost three other children to miscarriage. I do not know why these things happen. They leave a pain in a parent's heart that never entirely fades. And who knows what will happen in the future? We could lose a child, one of us could become terminally ill, or an accident could cost one of us our life.
But on Maverick's birthday, we count our blessings. Maverick miraculously was healed and today is a happy, healthy, extremely active boy who hasn't stopped moving since the moment he unexpectedly shot out of me at birth. He serves as our constant reminder to be thankful for each day with each one of our five children. We remember to live each day to the fullest, and we remember what our true priorities are.
We remember that God and good communication got us through that challenge, and that's exactly how we'll get through each challenge that comes our way in the future. That is why we are Communication Consultants and Speakers... we share our story to give others hope, and we assist our clients in overcoming communication challenges and building stronger relationships. We love what we do.
The reason we do what we do really hit me when we spoke at a seminar in Syracuse, New York, several years ago.
We spoke in a dimly-lit old theater, sharing our story about our son, Maverick’s, near-death experience. Afterward, an elderly lady pulled me aside to speak to me privately. She told me that decades earlier she had experienced the very same thing with one of her babies.
But she said back then they did not have the specialized treatments that Maverick received, and her baby ultimately died. She sobbed as she quietly admitted she had never told anyone her story before, outside of her family. She said that hearing our story gave her the courage to deal with her pain and tell me about it. She said she almost hadn't come that night but decided at the last minute to show up. We were both so glad she did. Some healing took place-- for both of us.
That is why we do what we do. We are truly nothing special. We are not spectacular. We certainly aren't perfect. We are not pastors or preachers or professors. We don't have everything figured out. Our story is not the most amazing one we've heard. Our "load" is not the heaviest. We are just real. We just tell our stories and share what we have learned from them. We share how we’ve learned to communicate effectively because if you can communicate, then you can work together to solve any issue. We work with other speakers to help them share their stories, expertise, and lessons, too, because audiences need to hear them.
We feel very passionate about sharing our stories and lessons because there may just be someone in our audience who might gain even one glimmer of hope from what we've been through and what we’ve learned. We do it to tell others that if we can do it, so can they.
We do it for that lady in Syracuse, and for others just like her.
