A few days ago, my husband, Ryan, and I heard music coming from the bathroom. Our son was in the shower, so Ryan knocked on the door and went in to investigate.
It turns out our teenage son had a phone in the bathroom to listen to music while he showered. Unfortunately, he had the phone in the shower with him.
Seriously. The phone was in the shower.
When asked, our son told us, "It's okay because I have it wrapped in a dry washcloth."
Not kidding.
This, my friends, is why I have a monthly standing appointment at the salon to get my gray hair colored.
While I've never taken a phone into the shower, I have made plenty of other mistakes in my lifetime. Unfortunately, the ones that have caused the most regret involve hurting other people. I've said harmful things to family members and friends during disagreements that I've wished I could take back.
Words can't be taken back, however. They can't just be removed like we removed our son's phone from the shower. We need to be careful what we say during disagreements so we don't ruin a relationship.
Here are a few tips for resolving disagreements effectively:
Don't Speak When You're Angry
We say things we may not mean when we're angry. It's important to take a step back, cool off, and then decide how to respond.
Leave the situation if necessary, or sleep on it. If you're angry, you need the time to sort through the situation before you respond. You're less likely to say regretful things if you wait until you are no longer angry.
Carefully Consider What to Say
Once you're calm, it's important to take the time to formulate what you want to say. Word selection is paramount, so use caution when deciding on your response.
Look at the situation from all angles, and be gracious but honest.
Move Forward
Once you have resolved a disagreement, don't linger on it. Dwelling on it won't make it disappear. Figure out how best to move forward, and then do that.
Our son learned that if he wants to listen to music in the shower, he needs to leave the phone outside the shower. He is moving forward and not dwelling on his mistake.
When speaking to an audience, whether from stage or on video or Facebook Live, you have two goals as the speaker. One goal is to teach the audience something in your area of expertise. The other goal is to have the audience get to know you, like you, and trust you. An effective way to accomplish that second goal is through storytelling.
Storytelling involves sharing stories about your life experiences, personal victories and failures, challenges you have overcome, and quirky tidbits that make you unique. Storytelling means you need to be transparent and maybe even a little bit vulnerable. Your audience needs to relate to you, and storytelling is how to make that happen. Storytelling can create that emotional connection you need with your audience.
Follow these steps to effectively share your story:
Empty Your Mind
You need to get all your ideas for a story onto paper. Once you have a story topic in mind, set a timer for fifteen minutes, and write down every idea you have for your story. Don’t worry if your ideas aren’t well-worded, and don’t try to edit anything while you’re making this list. Simply write down everything that comes to mind until your paper is full and your mind is empty.
After your fifteen minutes end, walk away from the paper. Take a break for a few minutes or even wait until the next day. Then, repeat this exercise until you have enough ideas to work with.
Get Organized to Create an Outline
Once all your ideas are on paper, carefully consider each idea. Determine whether each idea supports your overall topic. Decide whether you should use each idea for your current speech. Weed out ideas that won’t work with the topic at hand. The ideas you don’t use this time can be saved for a later time.
After you decide which ideas you’ll use, organize them into an order that makes sense. Put the ideas in chronological order or some other workable order that flows well. Figure out the lesson you want your audience to learn, and close with that.
From that ordered list, you can structure your outline. Your outline will serve as the skeleton for your story. It gives you direction and a roadmap.
Build on the Outline with Your Unique Voice
Transform your outline into a fully detailed story with your wording. Choose phrases and words that you would typically use in a casual conversation. Sometimes it helps to record yourself telling your story out loud, and then write down what you said. Say it in the way you’d say it to your best friend. This method helps keep your story personal, relatable, and casual.
Be Yourself
Tell your story in a way that makes sense for you and your brand. If you’re normally comical, be funny in your story. If you use particular jargon in your everyday conversations, feel free to use it in your story. Do whatever makes you unique. Don’t try to be someone you’re not. The whole point is to showcase what makes you special.
If you’re a bookseller, tell how a book changed your life. If you’re a counselor, tell about a time your counselor challenged you. If you are a personal trainer, tell about how you were inspired to do what you do.
Share Your Story
Your audience needs to know you, like you, and trust you, so use storytelling in your speeches, videos, and podcasts to help make that happen. Your personal stories set you apart from your competitors. There is no one else exactly like you on this earth, so there are no other stories exactly like yours.
You don’t have to be a perfect writer or a polished speaker to share your story. Just tell it. You’ll create deeper connections, relate better, and attract potential clients like never before.
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You only need to scroll through your Facebook newsfeed for a few minutes to see the lowest of the low when it comes to negativity, bullying, and outright nastiness.
Words matter.
Words are powerful enough to build people up or tear people down. Words can diffuse a bad situation or flame its fire.
Words are powerful.
Most of the time there is no good reason to speak negatively, criticize, or complain. In fact, if we did the opposite we may actually improve the situation.
Let's choose to use our words positively.
Let's build people up with what we say.
Be an encourager. Focus on the good. Point out positive attributes. Dish out grace lavishly.
Be someone's cheerleader. Be someone's biggest fan.
Be the light in the darkness.
Choose your words carefully, and use them to make a real difference.
Whether you feel confident or not, you can appear confident to those with whom you communicate. You can't always control your feelings, but you can control your body language. Body language plays a vital role in confidence. It determines how confident you look.
Follow these tips to communicate with confidence:
Stand straight and tall
You'll appear strong and powerful if you sit up, or stand up, straight and tall. Good posture exudes confidence.
Don't slouch or slink across the room. Instead, put your shoulders back and hold your head high. Stand up tall to appear confident.
Make direct eye contact
Confidence requires good eye contact. Looking elsewhere depicts nervousness.
Look people in the eye. Don't stare at the ceiling or the floor. You'll come across as confident and interested if you make direct eye contact during conversations.
Use a firm handshake
A confident person is quick to reach out a hand for a firm handshake.
No limp noodle hands here! Use a solid grip when shaking hands. Practice with a friend until you learn how strong your handshake is.
Hold still
Fidgeting is the ultimate sign of nervousness.
Be still. Don't pace around the room, twirl your hair, or pick at your clothes. Control your hands, arms, feet, and facial expressions.
Fake it until you feel it
You may not feel confident, but you can appear that way by controlling your body language. Eventually, you'll feel confident, too. Keep utilizing these body language tips until you do!
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A new school year brings excitement. There are new classes, new teachers, and new clothes. At the same time, a new school year can bring anxiety over unknowns like new challenges and new people. As parents, we want to see our children transition into these new situations as painlessly as possible. The following tips will help.
Encourage your child to step out of the comfort zone
Great things never happen inside our comfort zones. Kids will need a little nudge to embrace that. Making new friends may feel scary to your child. Take the time to point out all the benefits of making new friends like learning new things and having more playmates on the playground.
Discuss how it's kind to make friends with a new student, and provide your child with ideas for making that happen like inviting a new student to sit at your child's table in the lunchroom. Playing together on the playground, sharing toys, or reading together are other easy options for forging new friendships.
Practice meeting someone new
Work with your child to learn the social skills necessary to meet someone new. Practice using direct eye contact, speaking audibly and clearly, and asking questions to create a conversation. The best way to do that is for you to model the behavior and then allow your child the opportunity to practice these new skills.
Practice at home until your child is comfortable, and then encourage him to practice these skills in real-life situations outside the home. Playgrounds, parks, or church gatherings provide opportunities to practice meeting new people and having conversations. Be encouraging, help your child adjust skills as necessary, and praise your child's efforts.
Teach your child how to resolve conflict
Conflict is inevitable, even in strong friendships. Your child needs to know how to resolve it quickly. Teach your child to seek to understand when conflict arises. Many conflicts occur simply because we make assumptions when we should instead ask questions to understand the situation before responding.
Teach your child to take responsibility for his part in a conflict and to show grace to the other person. Most conflicts can be resolved fairly easily if resolution is the goal, but these skills must be taught and practiced.
Be your child's role model
The best way to help your child make new friends at school is to model friend-making skills yourself. Go out of your way to talk to new people and make new friends. Let your child see you shake hands and start a conversation with someone new. Invite friends over to your home for dinner or meet up for a playdate with your children. When your child sees you do these things, making new friends will seem like a natural thing to do.
All it takes is a death in the family (or a bad medical diagnosis, or some other crisis) to remind us that some things matter, and some things don't.
What doesn't matter is differing opinions. Preferences. Unachieved expectations. Unrealistic standards. What doesn't matter is all the little things we fuss over on any given day.
It doesn't matter what kind of car we drive. It doesn't matter whether we have the brand-name labels for our kids to wear to school. It doesn't matter which way the toilet paper goes on the roll, or whether a spouse leaves clothes on the floor. It doesn't matter if your to-do list is finished. It doesn't matter if everyone agrees about what kind of TV show is acceptable or what movie you let your kids watch. It doesn't matter if you have one pair of shoes, no shoes, or a million designer shoes.
It doesn't matter if your sister had a bad day and said something rude. It doesn't matter if your parents drive you crazy. It doesn't matter if your brother handles a situation differently than you would. It doesn't matter if your friend visits as often as you think he should. It doesn't matter if your coworker has annoying habits at the office or doesn't call you back as quickly as you'd like.
It doesn't matter whether you think leggings aren't pants. Or are.
It doesn't matter if you like this year's candidates. Or not.
It doesn't matter if you love the music at church. Or can't stand it.
Some things just don't matter.
What matters is our relationships. What matters is whether those we love know how much we love them. Are we on good terms? Have we resolved conflict? Have we said the things that need to be said? Have we opened our hearts and met the needs of others?
Do we appreciate each other?
Did we make a real effort?
Do we accept responsibility?
Have we forgiven each other?
It's amazing how much we celebrate someone after they die. Obituaries are full of praise! We focus on someone's good points and minimize their flaws. We remember their positive contributions. Imagine if we did those things with the people we love while they're still alive? Forgive, focus on the good, speak positively.
Life is short, and some things matter... like your marriage, your relationships with your children and family, and your friendships.
Make your relationships right.
Communicate.
Connect.
Appreciate each other, forgive each other, and dish out grace in huge portions while you can.
If you have a less-than-stellar relationship with someone, make it right TODAY. Tomorrow is not promised, and at the end of it all, some things matter and some things don't. Move past the things that don't.
Say what needs to be said.
Right the wrongs.
We only get one chance at this life. Focus on what matters.
That is what the Obstetrician told me as he stood on the other side of the delivery room putting on his gown and gloves. So I did. And before I could even finish the "practice push," Maverick was born. Ryan caught him. I have never seen a doctor dive across the room so fast. Apparently after previously having two other babies, I no longer needed "practice."
Maverick arrived two weeks before his due date because he was in distress. Maverick was dying from a rare bacterial infection.
This week is Maverick's 12th birthday. Every year, I remember back to his actual birth day and thank God for every minute we have been blessed to have him in our lives. He spent weeks after his birth in the hospital fighting for his life, and it could have ended so differently. For many parents, it does end so differently. Their pain and disappointment is not lost on me.
While we were at the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit), Maverick had an IV in the top of his head. He was on a ventilator, he had tubes jammed into his wrist, and a line inserted in his umbilical cord. There were monitors covering his body that showed his vitals on a TV screen and beeped loud alarms whenever something went wrong. He was sedated, we were not allowed to hold him, and he was dying. I spent the first several days in a zombie-like state of shock, just praying to God to heal Maverick.
Every minute felt like an eternity, and I eventually lost track of what day it was and whether it was even night or day. We kept vigil next to his side, just staring at him while we waited for any sign of improvement. After praying for what felt like years, the words to a Mark Schultz song popped into my head. It's called "He's My Son" and was written about parents whose son had a terrible illness. I hadn't heard the song since we lived in Memphis years before. It had been sung at church one Father's Day. The words that I heard in my head are "I try to be strong and see him through. But God, who he needs right now is YOU."
And that's exactly how I felt in that moment. I had done everything I could do (which, incidentally, was not much). The doctors were doing everything they could do. Our friends and family had done everything they could do. Maverick needed more than us at that point; he needed God. You see, God could be with Maverick when I could not. I had to sleep. I had to eat. I had to take a shower. I couldn't be there every minute. But God was. I wasn't even allowed to hold Maverick. But God could. God could be with Maverick through every step of this nightmare, and I believe He was.
And here is the most reassuring part: God created Maverick and loves him more than I ever could. He loves in a way I cannot even comprehend. He was with Maverick through it all, holding him, loving him, and seeing him through. I am only human, but God is God. "God, who he needs right now is YOU." When I thought about all that, I realized I needed to trust God's plan in that situation. I maybe wouldn't like the outcome, but I trusted Him to know what was best for Maverick and the rest of us. That was not an easy decision to come to, but if God loves Maverick more than I ever could, I had to trust that His plan would be the right plan whether I liked it or not.
Maverick's neonatologists prepared us for the worst, as his death was likely. They ran out of options and treatments to try. To this day no one can give a human explanation for why one day Maverick just started getting better. That kid is a fighter and a true champion, and I know God is the reason. There is absolutely no other explanation.
I do not pretend to understand why painful experiences to happen to us. While this situation with Maverick had a good outcome, other situations did not. We have lost three other children to miscarriage. I do not know why these things happen. They leave a pain in a parent's heart that never entirely fades. And who knows what will happen in the future? We could lose a child, one of us could become terminally ill, or an accident could cost one of us our life.
But on Maverick's birthday, we count our blessings. Maverick miraculously was healed and today is a happy, healthy, extremely active boy who hasn't stopped moving since the moment he unexpectedly shot out of me at birth. He serves as our constant reminder to be thankful for each day with each one of our five children. We remember to live each day to the fullest, and we remember what our true priorities are.
We remember that God and good communication got us through that challenge, and that's exactly how we'll get through each challenge that comes our way in the future. That is why we are Communication Consultants and Speakers... we share our story to give others hope, and we assist our clients in overcoming communication challenges and building stronger relationships. We love what we do.
The reason we do what we do really hit me when we spoke at a seminar in Syracuse, New York, several years ago.
We spoke in a dimly-lit old theater, sharing our story about our son, Maverick’s, near-death experience. Afterward, an elderly lady pulled me aside to speak to me privately. She told me that decades earlier she had experienced the very same thing with one of her babies.
But she said back then they did not have the specialized treatments that Maverick received, and her baby ultimately died. She sobbed as she quietly admitted she had never told anyone her story before, outside of her family. She said that hearing our story gave her the courage to deal with her pain and tell me about it. She said she almost hadn't come that night but decided at the last minute to show up. We were both so glad she did. Some healing took place-- for both of us.
That is why we do what we do. We are truly nothing special. We are not spectacular. We certainly aren't perfect. We are not pastors or preachers or professors. We don't have everything figured out. Our story is not the most amazing one we've heard. Our "load" is not the heaviest. We are just real. We just tell our stories and share what we have learned from them. We share how we’ve learned to communicate effectively because if you can communicate, then you can work together to solve any issue. We work with other speakers to help them share their stories, expertise, and lessons, too, because audiences need to hear them.
We feel very passionate about sharing our stories and lessons because there may just be someone in our audience who might gain even one glimmer of hope from what we've been through and what we’ve learned. We do it to tell others that if we can do it, so can they.
We do it for that lady in Syracuse, and for others just like her.
We are surrounded by televisions, phones, tablets, laptops, and gaming devices. We can’t even go to the grocery store without someone on a television at the end of each aisle screaming at us about the latest product we should buy.
Even our work necessitates ever-increasing time behind screens. I’m a Communication Consultant and Speaker, and I coach my clients via Skype and FaceTime. I spend time texting, working on a computer, talking on technology affecting communication skills phone, checking emails, and engaging on social media. I love the mobility that screens provide in my career. I can literally work from anywhere because of screens.
But how do screens affect our face-to-face communication skills?
More importantly, how technology affecting communication skills of our children, whose social and communication skills are not yet fully developed?
In some ways, devices with screens benefit our kids. Kids are more engaged than ever in politics, world news, educational activities, and daily online discussions with friends and family. But there are limits to screen-based communication.
Electronic screen-based communication cannot teach face-to-face social skills. Those skills can only be learned in-person, and those skills are vital to our children’s future success in the adult world. There is no electronic substitute for real-life face-to-face interactions.
Social skills like table manners cannot be learned behind a screen. Table manners are largely overlooked today as we often eat on the run, in our cars, or in front of the television. Unfortunately, kids who do not learn table manners are at a disadvantage as adults.
Business lunches, professional dinners, and romantic dates require a proficient display of table manners. As parents, it’s our job to make sure our kids have practiced these skills and have a thorough understanding of them.
We need to teach them to shut off the TV during meals, keep their elbows off the table, chew with their mouths closed, not to talk with food in their mouths, how to keep the conversation rolling, proper ways to pass food around the table, and to say “please” and “thank-you” when food is passed. It sounds simple, but many children have not been taught these important lessons.
Further, kids are missing out on opportunities to learn basic interaction skills, like meeting someone new, when they spend too much time behind screens. Kids need to know how to properly introduce themselves to someone new, use direct eye contact, shake hands, speak clearly and audibly, and make small talk.
These skills are necessary in adult life, and we must be purposeful to teach these skills, model them, and provide situations for our kids to practice them.
Ironically, another social skill lacking today is talking on the phone properly.
Modern kids are so accustomed to texting that they are missing out on verbal phone skills. As parents, we must teach our children how to talk on the phone. We must teach them to answer a call properly, take a detailed message, be polite, and how to end the call.
They must also be taught how to make a call. Begin a call by saying, “Hello. My name is ________. May I please speak to _________?” Start a phone conversation by stating their own name and asking politely to speak to the other person. Too many kids and teens these days have absolutely no idea how to politely make a phone call.
Major issues like physical safety, finances, and education are in the forefront of parents’ minds today, while social skills have taken a backseat. Technology have exacerbated the situation by limiting natural social interactions. While screens are useful tools for careers and learning, they tend to stunt real social growth. Social skills and interpersonal communication suffers as a result.
Parents, take the lead.
Limit your children’s screen time to a reasonable amount, monitor their social media interactions, and create opportunities for them to learn face-to-face social skills. Set a good example in your own screen usage, and model how to communicate effectively with others. Take the time to teach your children table manners, phone skills, and conversation skills. Encourage them out of their comfort zones. You can do it, and their future depends on it.
All parents want their children to display adequate social skills so they can function and succeed in life. Unfortunately, many children do not possess such skills. Parents are busy and don't always realize there is a deficiency until they're thrust into an embarrassing social situation.
These skills can be taught and mastered. If you've observed some less-than-fabulous behavior from your children, do not despair. You can start today to course-correct and point your kids in the right direction where social skills are concerned. Help your children master social skills in the following three areas.
Basic Manners
Kids need to have a thorough understanding of manners like holding the door for others, proper etiquette, saying "please" and "thank you," meal-time manners, and social media etiquette. These manners are developed through practice during face-to-face interactions with others.
Parents who model these skills find it easier to teach these skills. Kids learn by watching what you do, so practice good manners yourself. Your kids will pick up on what you're doing. Take it a step further by talking with your kids specifically about manners. Praise them when they do well, and encourage them to improve when they don't. It's important to keep the conversation about manners going. Learning these skills is a journey that takes time and corrective input from parents.
Conversation Skills
Everyone should be able to meet someone new and keep the ball rolling during a conversation. Teach your kids to make direct eye contact, shake hands, speak audibly and clearly, and ask questions of the other person to keep the conversation going. Whether your kids are shy or outgoing, everyone needs these skills. Everyone can learn and implement them.
The easiest way to teach these skills is to put kids in situations where they can develop these skills. When you attend a barbecue, a church gathering, or a reunion, encourage and challenge your kids to introduce themselves and have conversations. Praise them for stepping out of their comfort zones, and afterward discuss ways to improve.
Phone Skills
It seems counterintuitive in this day and age to think that anyone would lack phone skills. We're on our phones all the time, but mostly through text. For kids, verbal communication occurs less frequently. Phone etiquette like how to answer the phone, take a detailed message, be polite, and how to end the call properly must be taught and learned.
Teach your kids that when they make a call, they should say this:
"Hello. This is ___________. May I please speak to __________?"
Teach your child to always state his/her name before asking for the other person. Teach kids not to mumble while on the phone, and show them your preferred way to take a message. Make sure they know they should write down the caller's phone number along with the message. Even though we use text communication more than verbal communication these days, phone etiquette is still essential and must be taught. They will need these skills when dating and in their careers.
Model and Teach
Your children will learn from your example. Be sure that the example you're setting is the one you want them to learn from. None of this is complicated, but much of it is overlooked in modern times. That doesn't mean it's less important, however. Good manners and basic social skills will never go out of style, so take the time to teach your kids. They need you.
But during my college hockey career, The Mayor became my nickname because I was known to take forever getting out of the rink after every game because I took my time shaking hands with fans and signing autographs for little kids.
I did it because I love people. I love interacting with them and learning about them. It makes me feel good to make someone else feel special or important.
So I became known as The Mayor.
Our son, Maguire, recently attended a robotics engineering camp at our college where I was once The Mayor.
On the second day, he texted Carrie to tell us how he had befriended the entire hockey team when he saw them in the cafeteria and how they were now asking to see his robot videos at each meal.
The Mayor.
It's clear that my love of people has been passed on to Maguire. Of all the traits he could get from me, both good and bad, I'm glad he got this trait. It will serve him well. Befriending others, accepting them, and appreciating them is so very important.
Especially in the world we live in today.
Parents, take the time to teach your kids how to build relationships. Teach them to value others and to be a "good-finder." Teach them to put down their phones and have real-life, face-to-face interactions with other people. Teach them how to make friends and how to be a good friend. Teach them to get out of their comfort zone.
